Knickerbocker Knotes

Righteous Parenting

2011-08-18T15:44:00.001-04:00

Peter and I spoke about Righteous Parenting last week in church and were asked for copies of our talks, so I thought I would post mine here. Peter spoke from notes, so you'll have to ask him to give it again-- I'm sure he'd love you for that :)

When the bishop asked us to speak, I was hoping for some topic like, “faith” or “fasting.” They always say you learn more about your subject than you impart to your audience and those are the things I figured I’d like to learn about. So when he said, “We’d like you to speak on righteous parenting,” I felt nauseated. Righteous parenting? Please. I can barely spell that phrase, let alone speak on it.

Our foray into parenting has not been an easy one. Our oldest, Caleb, suffered from recurrent intusseceptions from 13 months to 20 months. It’s a condition where the bowel would fold over on itself, causing internal bleeding and necrosis of the bowel. It’s as painful as it sounds. He would vomit blood routinely, and the doctors were at a loss. In August of 2009, he had surgery, which miraculously, fixed his problems, even though the surgeons couldn’t pinpoint the exact cause. In October 2009, we found out were were pregnant again and by December, I had lost a significant amount of weight-- so much so that my body was in organ failure. “morning sickness” didn’t even begin to cover it. I had a PICC line placed, which allowed me to inject a miracle drug directly into my blood stream. Unfortunately, it was not a big enough miracle. In February of 2010, our daughter Charlotte was born 16 weeks early, weighing 1.2 pounds and measuring 11 inches. She spent 208 days in the NICU, and has had 7 readmissions since coming home. She’s gone through five surgeries, is fed through a tube, and sleeps with a BiPAP machine. At 17 months old, she just learned to crawl, roll over, and clap.

At one point in her hospital stay, Charlotte had a test done to check how quickly her stomach empties. For this test, infants have to be perfectly still, so they tape the children down to the table. I had a flash back. Caleb had this test as well, while the doctors were trying to solve his medical mystery. I laughed and called Peter. “There comes a point, when both of your children have been taped to a table at the Children’s Hospital, that you have to ask, where did we go wrong?”

So yeah, righteous parenting. Where did we go wrong?

The first week, I avoided thinking about this topic at all costs. Righteous parenting. Good one. I’m certain there are those “goodly parents” out there, but I’m just not one of them. Caleb, our three year old, has been going through the world’s longest hissy fit-- we’re talking about 7 weeks now-- and let me tell you, there has been very little righteous parenting in response to it. I’ve tried bribery, yelling, ignoring him, taking things away, putting myself in time out.... and that was just this morning.

The second week rolled around and I knew I would have to put something together. I listened to the talks from last general conference, I read about parents in the scriptures, but it still felt a bit hollow to me. Sure, it’s easy to talk about parenting 505 when you are sitting in the Conference Center and someone else has your children. It’s much harder to discuss it when you are telling your three year old to “please stop dumping dirt on your immunocompromised little sister” for the ninth time in four minutes, and for heaven’s sake, please put on some underwear. Plus the timer on the stove is going off, and the laundry needs to be switched and oh my goodness, did you just dump the entire bag of flour on your train table? No no no. That is not how it snows on the island of Sodor. When is your father coming home?

Until finally, one night this week, probably around midnight, I had a realization. Righteous parenting is not the same thing as perfect parenting.

When written in a conference talk, righteous parenting can sound a lot like perfect parenting. And that’s OK, because that’s what conference talks are for-- to help us strive for perfection.

But then there’s reality, where righteous parenting isn’t so much about discussing scripture study around the dining table and praising a child for working diligently. For me, righteous parenting is more about having the faith that I will be able to accept the purpose my children have in life. Righteous parenting comes into play when I say, “Heavenly Father, I desperately want my little girl to live. But I understand if she has another calling.” Righteous parenting is holding my son up to an isolette, and saying, “Caleb, this is your little sister Charlotte. She can’t come home for awhile, but she loves you,” and then holding him as he cries, knowing he’s scared, and admitting that you are scared as well. Righteous parenting is the ability to watch a disabled child and honestly say, “She’s doing exactly what she needs to be doing right now.” Righteous parenting is playing in five pounds of flour that your son thinks is snow on his train table. Who needs to make bread anyway? Righteous parenting comes when I can say, “Caleb, I didn’t do the best job today being a mom, but I promise I’ll try better tomorrow,” and he responds, “But I need you to be the best mommy ever. You’re the only one I have! And, uh, can I have a cookie?”

Righteous parenting is not an act, it is a continuum. Somedays we are much closer to the “goodly parents” end of the continuum. Other days, we fall short. But it is not our actions, or our tempers, that make us righteous parents. It’s our desire to remain on that continuum. Our daily struggle to maintain a balance between our current abilities and our hope for the future. Our focus on remaining righteous, instead of our failure to be perfect. Those things, that’s what makes a righteous parent.

My own experience in parenting has not been the one I imagined as a child. Despite our circumstances, or maybe because of them, I’ve come to believe that few experiences with parenting are as we imagined. Few are the mothers who fit the idolized fantasy: marry the prince, have a baby (or four), enjoy the task of raising the perfect children, and step back to watch them continue the cycle.

For so many of us, true righteous parenting occurs when that fantasy is shattered. We don’t get married, or we can’t bear children, or our children are sick, or die, or grow up only to go astray. Maybe we find ourselves divorced or widowed, with children still to raise. Maybe we find ourselves grandparents, raising another generation long after we though we would be done. Maybe our husbands lose their job, or we have chosen to be the breadwinner. Maybe in the quiet moments of honesty we admit that we’re exhausted, overlooked and worn out.
And yet, in those moments, when our lives are nowhere near the picture painted in Sunday School lessons or Family blogs, we turn to the Lord and we find our way through the mist.

If we turn to Alma 7:11, we read:

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and aafflictions and btemptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will ctake upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

Notice Alma doesn’t say, “except in the case of parents,” or “but only if you make handmade crafts for every child in your son’s class for the Columbus Day party.” Like anything else in our lives, righteous parents can gain strength through the atonement.

Not only can we hug our children and say, “I’m so sorry, Mommy should never yell like that, can you forgive me?” but we can also turn to our Brother, our Savior who has born our pains, our frustrations, and our fears, and say, “I need help through this difficult day. I feel like I cannot take another moment of parenting.” And our Father in Heaven, the only perfect parent, through grace, and by our faith, can, as Alma says in verse 12: succor his people according to their infirmities.

That word. Succor. It means, “to give assistance or aid to.” If we read it again, we read that the Savior went through the entire atonement, again, in verse 12, that he may know according to the flesh, how to succor, or “give assistance or aid to” his people according to their infirmities.

The entire purpose of the atonement was so that the Savior might know how to assist us. Brothers and sisters, if we do not ask for that assistance, if we brush it aside, saying, “Ehh, parenting is not a big enough deal for the atonement, surely He meant for us to use it on something larger, or more important,” we are determining the purpose of the atonement; we are declaring the scope of the atonement, the single most grand act in all of the eternities.
Righteous parenting is indeed a continuum. One that we constantly move along. Sometimes in the forward direction, sometimes not. It is when we place our faith in the Savior and his everlasting atonement, that we can find real progress in the realm of righteous parenting.

In Joshua, Chapter 1, the Lord speaks to Joshua and prepares Israel to enter Canaan. I cannot help but think of the parents who wandered in the wilderness. Entire generations were raised out there, void of the luxuries their parents were so accustomed to. How difficult was it, how stressful, to raise a child without any of the conveniences with which you were accustomed? I image many of them were torn from friends and family, raising their children not only without physical items, but also without emotional support. Imagine the wear and tear that must have occurred, the constant yearning to have a home. Imagine the frustration and irritation that must have risen inside, each time a child’s pain could have been avoided, had they had a home. Imagine knowing that your child may never have a home. In verse nine, we read:

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the aLord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

The same is true for us. We are invited to turn to the Lord and be strong and of a good courage, for the Lord is with us. Often we may feel as though we are experiencing our own 40 year journey through the wilderness. Or maybe we watch our children, terrified as they face their own battles, like those stripling warriors of the Book of Mormon. We watch, as our children, much too young, go out to battle the world around them. I think the poignant part of the story of the stripling warrior is not that none of them perished, but as read in Alma 57: 25

And it came to pass that there were two hundred, out of my two thousand and sixty, who had fainted because of the loss of blood; nevertheless, according to the goodness of God, and to our great astonishment, and also the joy of our whole army, there was anot one soul of them who did perish; yea, and neither was there one soul among them who had not received many wounds.

The stripling warriors did not avoid pain in their battle. They did not escape wounds. They were injured and beaten, but not fatally. They “received many wounds.” Too often we feel as though if we are righteous parents, we and our children will be spared many wounds. In our minds, we are entitled to avoid pain and affliction and temptation if we are righteous. Unfortunately, as Alma the elder, and Alma the younger can testify, as Lehi can portray, righteous parenting does not mean our children will be perfect, nor will they be free from injury. Righteous parenting does not mean we ourselves will be spared from pain. Even our Father in Heaven has experienced the pain of parenting, and does so on a daily basis.

We will not be perfect parents. We can, however, be righteous parents. Our reliance on the atonement only brings us closer to the Savior, and to our children-- our Father’s children, with whom we have been entrusted. I testify that there is indeed, no better use of the atonement, than to guide His children back to Him.

The atonement is there for us to use, through trials and triumphs, through joy and pain. The Lord has not placed a limit on the atonement. Nor shall we.

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians chapter 4:

8 We are atroubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in bdespair;
9 aPersecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not bdestroyed;

We have the atonement of the Savior Jesus the Christ. Through it He can assist and give aid to us in our darkest moments, and our most wonderful achievements. Through the atonement, we all walk along the continuum of righteous parenting.

Tender Mercies

2011-07-08T12:40:00.000-04:00

Since we've moved here to California, Caleb has really had a rough time (well, a rough time for Caleb). He's still the lovable, crazy kid we all know, but he's very easily frustrated these days. It's especially difficult to watch, since he's been such a rock through everything with Charlotte. My heart breaks for this poor kid and all he's had to endure.

So I get it. I get why he's angry and frustrated and prone to tantrums.

I understand why he gets so upset when its not his turn, because it hasn't been his turn for practically half his life. I can comprehend his fear of everyone leaving him, because Peter left for several weeks, then I left for two weeks, then Grandma and Grandpa suddenly disappear and now Grandpere is gone... the poor kid. Not to mention we spent nearly three weeks in the PICU, expecting him to smile and behave when he really just wanted to go to the beach. (OK, maybe it was me that just wanted to go to the beach, but I'm certain he wanted out of that hospital room too).

But just because I understand it, doesn't mean its OK, right? I mean, he can't yell at the kids in his sports class because they stepped off their circles. He can't try to hit me because we're not going to the pool right.this.second. He can't spend three hours eating dinner because he doesn't like it, especially when he hasn't even taken a bite to try it yet. He can't cry hysterically every time I have him lay down to go to sleep, in fear that I am leaving him.

We've been looking around at preschools, trying to find something that would work for him for this fall. He thrives in classroom settings and loves, loves, loves playing with other kids. He misses his friends and often asks me where they all went. So you can imagine our despair when most preschools were looking at about $1,200 a month. Yeah. Ouch.

Today, however, we got a call from the Naval Medical Center (where Peter works) saying Caleb just got off the wait list for the pre school on base. We've been on this wait list for months now, and had been told to expect at least a year long wait. This preschool is heavily discounted, and highly rated. We're thrilled that he'll be able to start there in a few weeks. I'm grateful that our financial needs were met. But I'm even more grateful that Caleb's needs were understood.

When I told him today that he was going to be able to start school in a few weeks, he literally started jumping up and down and clapping his hands. He shouted, "Momma, I'll have friends there! They will like me!"

Sometimes we all need a few people around us that like us. Even when you're three.

He Did It!

2011-06-08T16:02:00.000-04:00

Nick (brother), Peter, Patti (mom), Grandma Ford, Auntie Linda, and oh yeah, Caleb

My son needs a haircut, but his daddy is a DOCTOR!

Peter and his Mom. Congrats Patti! He would NOT be here without you!

Bruce, the PCOM photographer. No one takes pictures of the photographer. This man kicked Peter's and his friends' trash in racquetball

Moments after receiving his diploma. He's not excited or anything, right?

Pinning Ceremony for the Navy.

Lieutenant Knickerbocker

Making it official

We're so proud of him!

My grandparents, Bala and Papa came out for the festivities. We love you guys!

My sister "hooded" Peter. She is finishing her ER residency and come July 1, she's a REAL doctor :)

Her son, Dean, rockin' the boots and hat


Peter's grandmother drove all the way from Ontario to be here for this!

On Sunday, Peter officially finished his medical school education. He has many more years before his "education" is over, but this part has drawn to a close. He graduated as the 120st class of PCOM. We're so, so, so proud of him.

On Saturday, we had a little party at our place and Peter's fifth grade teacher came. She said that way back when she was writing "Knickerbocker Questions" (he used to ask questions no one could answer, so she'd write them down and come back the next day with an answer) on the board, she knew that he'd accomplish anything he wanted. It was so neat to see this teacher, who taught him 17 years ago, be there to celebrate his achievement.

Thanks to all of you, who supported us through this time. We couldn't have done it without you.

Here's to residency!

Look, I'm Still Blogging!

2011-06-01T18:29:00.000-04:00

Caleb practiced his hiding skills

Found you!

This may be my new favorite picture. Ever.

Caleb is clearly impressed by his parents.

You know, those parents who let their kids get stuck in trees.

And let their kids play on historically important weaponry.

On Memorial Day Peter, Caleb and I headed down to Valley Forge to check out where the first American soldiers fought. Or camped.

{That sounds really good, but really, we were like, "Oh hey! A day off! Awesome! Let's have a picnic!"}

It was so hot, but we had a fabulous time anyway. Caleb was very disappointed that there were not more gun shots. Next time, kid, next time.

This Guy

2011-05-25T00:48:00.000-04:00

This guy is pretty awesome. I mean, he puts up with me, so it's pretty much a given. Right?

I love this man oh so much. He loves that he only has three days of medical school left oh so much. He probably loves me oh so much as well, but really? The medical school ending thing is probably winning right now. He's been in San Diego for three weeks, getting our apartment ready for the chaos that will surely ensue as soon as I arrive with two children. Just in time for him to start residency.

Conrgats, Peter Ford. We're so proud of you. More than words can say.

Come home soon Mr. Knickerbocker, we's gots some partying to do!

Clara is Here!

2011-05-23T19:10:00.002-04:00

Clara Louise Farr was born this evening at 5:58 pm. She weighs 8 pound 6 ounces and measures 20.5 inches. We are so grateful for the miracle of a healthy baby. Congrats!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

What?

2011-05-20T16:13:00.001-04:00

What? We're not dead? I know, crazy.

Anyway...

An essay of pictures:

In March, we celebrated Sophie's third birthday. These two are so cute together!

OK, so maybe they don't know how to take pictures. But they are great cousins!

In April, I had the brilliant idea of driving across the country with a three year old. From PA to CA. Luckily, my mother came along and kept us sane. This is how Caleb entertained himself in the car.

This is how he was entertained in CA.

Just like Lightening McQueen. Route 66.

At the end of April, I went to NYC to attend a taping of the Nate Berkus Show, where my friend Anne (Third from Left) had a make-over! It was awesome, and like all good things, is because Kay made it happen :)

The very next day (great timing, ehh?) a moving van came to our house. Some nice people put all of our belongings in boxes, placed the boxes in the van and drove it across the country. Caleb was disappointed this was not going to be his method of transportation. Maybe next time.


My sister, Shayla, and her son Dean (age 3). The next week, we headed down to the Outer Banks to have a good ol family vacation with my siblings.

Dean and Caleb (both 3). The cousins had a great time!

We didn't leave him there for long...

Charlotte remained unimpressed, as she does with most things we try to introduce her to.

The siblings. From left to right: Katie (21), Amanda (25), Tracy (28), Shayla (30), Aaron (32) Aren't we cute?

We celebrated my birthday while we were there.

My grandparents were able to come as well. Papa and I share a birthday, and he is enjoying his new iPad2. Seriously. What's better than an Apple product and a nap?

Caleb learned to swim with swimmies.

Caleb has asked to see Bala and Papa every.single.day. since we've been home. We sure love these people! Bala will kill me once she knows I put up a picture of her, so it's been nice knowing all of you.


ahhh... relaxation

Phew. Caught up. Yes.

Peter is in California moving us all into our new place and doing his last rotation of medical school!! He flies home Sunday, May 29 and is here until June 5.

Of course, the best part is June 5th is his GRADUATION!

Charlotte and I fly out via medivac sometime later that week (we don't have anything definite yet, and won't until after June 6th). Caleb and my father will fly out together around June 10.

And that's how the Knickerbocker's move to California. As difficult and disjointed as possible :)

She Says It All

2011-02-27T11:03:00.000-05:00

I have a friend from Pittsburgh who is in law school in Utah. She blogged about how hard it is to justify being a sports fan while still holding to feminist ideals. I think she sums it up pretty well.

Residency

2011-02-17T09:49:00.009-05:00

In December, Peter matched in San Diego for his residency in pediatrics. For the 9 months between February 2010 and October 2010, Peter was gone for 4 of them. He was in Norfolk {twice}, Bethesda, and San Diego doing "audition rotations" at the Naval hospitals. Despite the chaos in our personal lives, Peter did such a great job at these rotations.

In fact, he's going to hate me for posting this, but I have to, he just got an email from his residency mentor, a third year resident. She said, "I just wanted to let you know that you were very well liked when you rotated through here. I got ready to put my bid in for you and give this long spill on why I thought you should come here and as soon as your name was said everyone had glowing praise for you." For a bit of context of what this month was like, Charlotte came home from the NICU and five days later, Peter left for San Diego. The same day Peter left, Charlotte was re-admitted to CHOP for the entire month. She was incredibly sick, and Peter was two thousand miles away. Not only was he on an intense rotation away from home, his own child was in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit with aspiration pneumonia and sepsis, went back on the vent, and had g-tube surgery. Not to mention how crazy I was during all of this. So for him to make such a great impression during such a hectic time, is just, wow. I'm just in awe of him.

Phew. Glad that's over.

Now we just have to figure out how to move our family 2800 miles, which would be awesome in a 'normal' family of four, but is just phenomenal when you add in a special needs child.

Caleb is pretty convinced that Grandma and Grandpa (Knickerbocker) are coming with us and I'm certain that this boy will be devastated when he realizes that both sets of grandparents won't be just a car ride away. I'm hoping that the calming ocean breeze will distract him, and that grandparents come visit often. Very often.

That goes for all of you as well. We move out June 2011. I expect y'all to make plans to visit asap.

Mars Needs Moms

2011-02-16T21:28:00.000-05:00

My father (Grandpere) got this book for Caleb about a year ago. We read it all the time, and I'm hoping that the movie will be OK for Caleb to go see. It would be Caleb's first theater experience, minus the times I took him as a baby. I'm crossing my fingers that Disney didn't ruin the book!

What Number Am I?

2011-02-16T09:47:00.000-05:00

Caleb asks us all the time what number he is. We'll say, "Umm, I think you are ten," and he'll crack up and say, "Nooo, I'm number three!"

With his birthday (yeah. back in December), came a visit to the pediatrician. We see her a lot, but not usually for Caleb. I promised him that he wouldn't need to have any shots at this appointment, which, of course, turned out to be a lie. He weighed 30 pounds (32nd percentile) and measured 36 inches tall (10th percentile).

He complained about the medicine in his arm (the vaccine for pneumonia which we needed him to have for Charlotte's sake, poor kid) for a few days, but shortly there after our entire family (minus Charlotte, thank goodness) came down with the stomach bug, so we all forgot about the pain inflicted by the vaccine.

At the appointment his pediatrician gave us the green light to start him in a preschool program, despite our concerns about the germs that it would expose Charlotte to. His cognitive scores were much higher than a typical three year old (that sounds like bragging, but believe you me, we have nothing to do with it) and she was concerned that if he wasn't being challenged in different situations, ie socially, academically, etc that he might end up getting bored and/or have attention issues. He has been attending a preschool two days a week now for a week or two and loves it. We've been really blessed to have a situation come up that allowed him to attend.

If you ask him to spell his name, he says "C-L-B" which confirms that he is indeed part of the texting generation. He lives off of peanut butter and honey sandwiches, and if Mommy isn't looking, cookies (like he's eating right this moment). He also loves green beans, corn, and peas. He asks for ham by name, which kinda makes me sick, but oh well. He does not like turkey, but will down a hot dog in 10 seconds flat.

He loves Thomas the Tank Engine and the movie Cars. He also likes the shows Backyardigans, Dora, and Go! Diego! Go! (the punctuation in that title should have warned me against it, but alas, now we are stuck watching it). He is beginning to learn about dinosaurs and loves naming them and telling you if they were plant eaters or not.

He is in Sunbeams now at church and loves his teacher. We're so grateful that he enjoys his class on Sunday. It's pretty funny talking to him on the way home from church, as his explanations about what happened in class are hysterical. One Sunday he told me that they learned about the Holy Ghost and his was in his belly. Awesome.

All in all this kid is a joy. He has his days, believe you me, but mostly he's a great kid who's just trying to figure out where he fits in and how this crazy world works.

We love him so much.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T19:36:00.001-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day, 2011

NYE 2010/2011

2011-01-08T13:01:00.003-05:00

My brother and his wife, Hanna were able to come down and celebrate New Year's Eve with Peter and I this year. Tracy and Hanna just moved to Connecticut this summer and it's been great having them close by. My parents graciously watched Caleb and Tracy and Hanna's daughter Sophie (Charlotte had a nurse) so that we could go out like real adults. We're pretty crazy, huh?

We went to Morimotos for dinner, a really fun restaurant in downtown Philly. They handed out party hats and offered us some champagne for a midnight toast. The champagne we declined but we partied hard with those hats!

We were only a few blocks away from the fireworks, so at midnight we stepped out to watch them over the river. They weren't very long (darn city budget cut backs) but we had a fun evening and really enjoyed being able to go "out on the town."

Siblings?

2011-01-03T14:30:00.001-05:00

Fingers in the mouth must be genetic.

Snow Tubing 12/30/2010

2011-01-02T20:46:00.004-05:00

Last Wednesday, Peter and I both saw a commercial for snow tubing and being the easily influenced people that we are, we decided to go for it. So Thursday we woke up, spent a ton of money getting passports (Peter's mother is Canadian and Caleb and I both needed passports), and headed to Blue Mountain for the day.

By the end of the day, Caleb's little legs were tired of taking three times as many steps.

New goal: Take a picture of the two of us each place we go.
So far: 1 for 1

It was really, really, really crowed so Caleb was an absolute champ for waiting in line as much as he did.

I'm a crazy mom and I made Caleb wear a helmet. He called it his "pirate hat."

It was really crowded, but we had a blast! We'd like to go back again sometime this season when it's not a holiday, to give us a little more time snow tubing and a little less time waiting in line. Definitely a fun day. We missed Charlotte, but we're hoping that by Christmas of 2013, she'll be able to join the crazy crowds (she has to stay away from germs for another winter, and then we're hoping she'll be able to have a grand entrance into society!)

I Don't Get It

2010-12-15T19:22:00.002-05:00

I really don't get it. What's the big deal with wishing someone Happy Holidays? I see people being up in arms that no one wishes people Merry Christmas any more, and I wonder, is Christmas not included in "holidays"? Why can't I wish for someone who might celebrate any other winter holiday a happy season? Are Christians the only ones who get to celebrate?

Seriously. I don't get it. Am I missing something?

NYC Girls Trip

2010-12-07T01:34:00.000-05:00

In August, I also was able to escape and take a very necessary girls trip to NYC. I had a blast.

NYC's finest.

Maureen from our Guided History Tour. She's amazing.

9/11 Person to Person Guided History Tour. An absolute must.

Birthday celebrating.

Shopping.

FYI, there isn't a Holocaust Museum in NYC.

We really liked this Whole Foods.

Naked cowboy. With clothes on.

Girls, seriously, this was the best trip. Can't wait to do it again. Seriously. How's next week sound?

August

2010-12-06T01:32:00.000-05:00

In August, we attended the annual Pope Crab Fest. It's a great family get together on Peter's side of the family, held each summer. Since it's not centered around a holiday, people don't have to juggle which family they will see and how they will split their time, so everyone can attend. It's great! Of course, I totally failed in the picture taking aspect, and only snapped one picture of Caleb playing with a caterpillar.

Following the Crab Fest, we starting giving Charlotte oral feeds. This was a huge deal, as it represented one of the last big hurdles for getting her home. In the end, this hurdle pretty much beat the heck outta us, but at the time, we were blissfully unaware.

Finally, after six full months in the hospital, we prepared to bring Charlotte home! It was amazing. Scary, and hectic and amazing.

Charlotte's prescriptions to be filled for her to come home!

The big day. Caleb was very involved.

Siblings. Charlotte minus facial accessories.

The tank. And yes, we bribed Caleb to be good with a cookie.

August ended with Peter leaving for San Diego for a month long pediatric rotation at the Naval Hospital. We missed him a lot. A lot. A lot. A lot.

My Naval Officer.

July

2010-12-05T11:15:00.000-05:00

In July, my little sister was married. We had a great time at the reception, which was held in a restored barn that General George Washington used, ya know, back in the day.

July 31, 2010

I was really proud of us for taking a picture together.

Getting their groove on.

My father and I

My brother, Tracy, was able to meet Charlotte for the first time on his way down to Washington DC for the wedding. It was a great day!

Uncle Tracy and Charlotte

Tracy and Hanna.

My niece, Sophie, Tracy's daughter. She's about 3 months younger than Caleb, and too cute for words.

The trouble makers, themselves, Katie and Jordan Harmer.

Another grand adventure in July included a trip down to the Please Touch Museum. When we lived in the city, we went to PTM about twice a week. It was great. Now that we're further away, PTM is a big treat. Caleb loves it.

All the toys in the world to play with, and he must play with the trains.

That sums up July! Only six more months to catch up on!

Our Poor Neglected Blog

2010-12-05T00:41:00.002-05:00

Family photos taken by Deborah Saull Photography. Her facebook page can be viewed here.

This poor blog.

I promise, things besides Charlotte have occurred in our life over the past nine months.

I'm working on it. But no promises.

The End

2010-12-02T00:59:00.002-05:00

29- Immune Systems. Seriously.

30- Eternal Families. The Novak/ Morales family buried their child, Gabriel, today. We have a tendency to believe that we are promised healthy families, healthy children, healthy careers, etc. We sometimes get angry when those supposed promises don't pan out. I understand that anger. Believe me, I get it. But I'm grateful that when I get over that anger, there are principles like eternal families that help me understand; that help me believe that while life isn't fair, eternity is. I don't believe that all "Why's" will ever be answered, in this life, and possibly not in the next. Some things just happen. Some children die. Some children get sick. Some children ace their SAT's. Some children hate their parents. Not everything happens for a reason. But I do believe that God will help us along the way. He won't make all those bad things go away. He won't make all those bad things happen. But He will give us strength-- knowledge of eternal families, friends who know when to call, parents who teach us good principles-- to get us through those difficult times.

Till We Meet Again

2010-11-28T21:09:00.002-05:00

Little Gabriel Morales ended his fight against Spinal Muscular Atrophy on Thursday. That debilitating disease will never overpower his small body again.

May his family feel his presence in their lives until they can hold him in their arms again.

Funeral Services:

Tuesday 10:00 am-1:00 pm

New London Presbyterian Church

1986 Newark Rd. (rte. 896)

New London, PA

23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28

2010-11-28T02:18:00.002-05:00

23- Medication. Today was just one of those days. Caleb and I were fighting from the moment we woke up. And then I read this article and I thought, shoot, I'm glad there are women who have medication to help when needed. Unfortunately, I didn't have any {:)} but I'm still glad its there for some.

24- Girls Night Out Tween-ager Style. I went to see Harry Potter 7.1 with two sisters, ages 10 and 12 tonight. So.much.fun. Sigh. They were so much fun. We talked about how silly boys are (10 year old is still of the cootie ideology. 12 year old is not so certain. 'specially regarding a certain boy). We talked about shopping, about jewelry, about every.thing. I love girls. I love that age. I love being reminded of it.

25- There are a million things I could name on Thanksgiving for which I am thankful. But in an effort to be completely sincere and NOT end up crying, I'm going to go with dishwashers. Really. I mean, how horrid was Thanksgiving before dishwashers? I think I ran two loads before dinner even started. So yeah, dishwashers.

26- Parents. My parents were able to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with us. No matter how "old" you are, there's nothing like having your parents around at the holidays.

27- Christmas trees. Dang. I love them. The smell, the lights, the decorations. Yumm, yumm.

28- 9 months ago this morning, I woke up not feeling well. A few hours later, Peter and I were parents of two. I will always be grateful for that.

Vignt et un et vignt-deux

2010-11-23T09:09:00.002-05:00

21- Let's be honest. I'm grateful for football. I love it. I stay up after Peter has gone to bed to finish the game. I yell at the TV. I discuss why the refs hate us. And by "us" I mean the Steelers. Because, yes, I am considered part of the team. Thank-you-very-much.

22- Charlotte's blog. I'm really grateful that the NICU encouraged us to set up a place to write down our experience. I'm glad that it has reached others. We've had over 20,000 unique visitors since we started writing in March.

Umm, Catch Up...

2010-11-20T19:13:00.002-05:00

12- Service. I've been going to school among all the other crazy things in our lives. An amazing friend of ours has watched Caleb all week so that I could get some hard core study time in. Ideally, we just would have put Caleb in a preschool, so that I could study and he could "learn" but since Charlotte's immune system cannot handle preschool germs, we have to keep Caleb out. So yeah, my friend? She's more than awesome. I'm so touched by the amount of service we have been offered.

13- Pampering. Being in school means there are a lot of things you have to cut back on. But Peter is pretty good to me, and he makes sure that we have room in the budget for me to get a good haircut. Sigh. I admit it-- I like to be pampered. I like it a lot.

14- Family. I know, that's a gimme, right? Peter's older brother was in the area this weekend and was able to come to our church service and have dinner with us this afternoon. Peter's younger brother and his wife were able to stop by as well, and it was really great to see "the boys" have some time together. As we all get older and live farther away from family, I really appreciate these times together, no matter how brief.

15- Optimism. Charlotte had Speech Language Therapy today, and they really worked on trying to get her to take the bottle. We didn't have much luck, which tends to get me discouraged, but her therapist stayed ever positive. I appreciate having medical professionals who keep us going, even when day to day progress is next to nothing.

16- My brain. I saw a commercial today that totally threw me off. Seriously, it was awful. And as I was really bothered by the commercial, I was also really grateful that I have the ability to form my own opinions. I'm not always the best at it, but I'm glad that I was raised to think for myself, to not follow the crowd, and to question authority (with respect, of course). That's pretty deep for a commercial, huh?

17- Preemies. Today is Prematurity Awareness Day. I'm grateful for Charlotte. 'Nough said.

18- Cameras. We took family pictures today. So glad we have the technology to document how much my children hate being documented :) But seriously. I am forever grateful to have pictures. I'm sentimental like that.

19- Organizations. We had a meeting with Team Heather today. These women are so inspiring. They've poured their resources together and are fighting so hard to make Heather's fight a little easier. These women are realistic. They know Heather is in the fight for her life. But they also know that Heather is not fighting it alone. And somehow, that helps.

20- Dates. Pedro and I went.on.a.date. Babysitter and everything. It was surreal. Going somewhere together that does not involve the hospital. It's the little things in life :)

9, 10, 11

2010-11-11T19:06:00.002-05:00

Nov 9- Pedro. He had today off. We hung out. It was awesome. I love having a best friend. I love that he humors me. I'm grateful for the fact that he shaves every day even though he hates doing it. I'm grateful that he heats up my rice bag when he knows I'm stressed. I'm grateful that he doesn't take things too seriously. Love him.

Nov 10- Early Intervention. After Charlotte's TWO HOUR appointment (not on my gratitude list, thank-you-very-much) at CHOP this morning, the feeding team was adamant that we get Occupational Therapy for Miss CA. Thinking I was going to have to fight Early Intervention to get an OT (we already have Speech Therapy and Physical Therapy) I called our coordinator ready to demand services. I was prepared. I had done my research. I knew exactly why Charlotte needed an OT in addition to her other services. Joan, our coordinator, simply said, "If you think she needs OT, I'll call and find someone right now." Uhhhh... what was that? Was it really that easy? Yes, I think it was. Awesome.

Nov 11- Veterans. Of course, right? I'm also grateful for all those Moms, Dads, Wives, Husbands, Significant Others, Children, etc who supported those Veterans. I'm grateful for those people who wrote them letters, sent them pictures, and loved them while they were away. I'm grateful for those who were waiting for them when they came home. There's just not much more to say. So thanks. Thanks for serving.

Help!

2010-11-09T08:47:00.003-05:00

On Charlotte's blog I posted about our friends, the Suttons, who recently found out that their wife and mother, Heather, has MDS (myleodysplastic syndrome). The healthcare costs for this cancer can become rather overwhelming, as you might expect.

A website has been setup for people to keep up to date with Heather's treatments, to sign up to help with errands, to make donations to ease the financial burden.

On December 10, a Ladies Silver and Gold Party will be held as a fundraiser. A jeweler will be on hand to pay you for your gold jewelery. A silpada representative will be there so you can do some Holiday shopping. All of the profit from the silpada sales will be donated to Take the Journey of Hope with Heather.

Now here's where we need your help.

There will be baskets to raffle off. The proceeds from the raffle will all be donated to the Sutton Family. So far, we have a children's basket, some Phillies tickets, a quilt, etc.

We're looking for ANYONE to donate ANYTHING that could be raffled. Do you sell Mary Kay? Could you raffle a basket? Do you make awesome cookies? Could you bake some? Do you have tickets to a concert?

We can use any and all donations. Just email me or leave a comment and I'll get in touch with you.

Thanks so much!!

3-8

2010-11-08T17:59:00.002-05:00

Nov 3- Today, I'm grateful for food. For food grown right straight outta the ground and plopped right on my plate. We participate in a CSA and have thoroughly enjoyed being able to participate in this tradition that my generation sees as an ancient pastime. How weird that we have to go out of our way to find fresh food, grown in our own back yard. How lucky we are that we live in a place where we have access to fresh food, water and resource.

Nov 4- Two words: Speech. Therapy. I don't know how they do it, but they get Charlotte to eat. It's magic, I swear, but I love them for it.

Nov 5- Student loans. Enough said.

Nov 6- Peanut Butter. Whoever thought of this stuff is responsible for keeping Caleb alive. Breakfast? Peanut Butter toast. Lunch? Peanut Butter and Honey sandwich. Dinner? Peanut Butter and Honey sandwich. Snack? You know it. Crunchy. Smooth. You name it, we eat it. And lots of it.

Nov 7- Today, I'm grateful for Honesty. At church today, Peter talked about how angry he was after Charlotte was born. How angry he was that such a situation could occur. So many people spoke to us afterward about how refreshing it is to hear that people struggle, that people go through the stages of grief. Too often we feel like we have to put on a pretty face, to be strong for everyone around us. What we don't realize is that everyone else is just putting on a pretty face for us. It's time to be real.

Nov 8- I'm trying really hard to not be too "deep" with these gratitude posts. I think it's helpful to find everyday, ordinary things for which I am grateful. But today, today I am grateful for family. For my religion. For the strength I feel from the people around me. Gabriel came home from the hospital today, and will most likely pass away within the next few days. He's been such a fighter, such a strong boy. In times like these, when life just doesn't make sense, I'm grateful for the strength I see in others.

Day 3

2010-11-03T22:10:00.001-04:00

Today I am grateful for older sisters.

Especially for older sisters who will love you even when you're dumb.

They're the best.

So glad I have one.

Day 2

2010-11-02T17:22:00.000-04:00

Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear
10/30/2010

Today I am grateful for the ability to vote, to demonstrate, to voice my opinion. But more than that-- I am grateful for the ability to get along with those who do not agree with me.

For those who know my parents, especially my mother, you know that she is of the conservative persuasion. For those who know me, you know that I tend to be a little bit (a lot) more liberal. Despite this difference, I'm the first to say that my mother is absolutely one of the most incredible people I know. She's dedicated to her family, her work and her community. She loves EVERYONE. And when I say everyone, I mean, EVERYONE. Seriously. I can count the number of times she has mentioned that she didn't like someone-- and those times were all in response to a person being unkind to a member of her family. She's loyal. She's intelligent.

See, I could go on and on. Despite our differences in opinion when political topics arise, my mother and father spent the past weekend watching our children so that Peter and I could attend a rally. A rally that was hosted by someone who she would probably disagree with the majority of the time. But I never once heard a criticism. Never.once.

If only more Americans could get along that way.

Today, I'm grateful that my mother taught me to respect people, no matter what. I'm grateful it's a lesson she started when I was young, because it's a hard lesson to learn, one I'm still working on.

But I'm grateful for it nonetheless.

Gratitude: Day 1

2010-11-01T14:55:00.004-04:00

30 Days of Gratitude.

So it's a bit trendy, and kinda "roll my eyes at people who do this on their blogs" but this year has been an interesting one, and I feel the need to document the things for which I am grateful. (And I haven't actively blogged on here for the entire year and I need to fix that.) For the next 30 days, I'll post on what I am grateful for, and hopefully, along the way, we can all re-focus and re-energize.

So today, I'm grateful for the people who helped me get through the past year. That would be all of you. I'm grateful for the text messages, the comments on the blog, the emails, the greeting cards, the gas cards, the visits, the support, and most importantly the prayers, that got us through this crazy time. I'm grateful that people didn't forget, that people still remember that we struggle. I'm grateful for those who continue to inspire us, continue to support us and continue to "understand" us. I'm grateful for those who know that they don't understand.

I'm grateful that many of you will never know what it is like to have a child so early.

I'm so grateful for that. I'm grateful for newborns, for children who are healthy, for parents who can go home from the hospital without a second thought. I'm also grateful for babies who come home from the hospital-- now matter how delayed their homecoming might be. Most importantly, I'm grateful for the love and support that wraps its arms around parents who leave the hospital to go home, while their babies go to Heaven.

So as I start this month, I want you to know that the only reason I am able to write these things is because of all of you.

Thanks for being my therapy.

Good Friends

2010-10-15T00:47:00.001-04:00

Caleb has been making great progress with the potty training. However, he's had a little problem with number 2. Of course. Cause it can't be that easy, right?

So today I hit my wall. I was just NOT going to clean poop out of his pants again. Not gonna happen. What do I do? (mother of the year award coming...) I, in complete exasperation tell him that if he poops on the potty, Thomas the Tank Engine would call him to congratulate him.

What did he do?

RAN up the stairs, sat on the potty and did his thing.

Horrified that I now had to find someone to be Thomas, I texted a friend. "I need you call and pretend to be Thomas. I promised Caleb Thomas would call if he went #2 and he's called my bluff.'

Not 3 minutes later, this self respecting man called my phone asking to speak to Caleb. In awe, Caleb took the phone and told "Thomas" of his accomplishments. All in all, the conversation lasted about 30 seconds. Caleb has been talking about it all night. "Thomas is so proud of me Mommy!"

I just had to mention how much I genuinely appreciate having good friends. Friends who will call your child and pretend to be Thomas. Friends who will do so without even blinking. With Peter being gone, by the time 6:00 rolls around, I'm pretty much done for the day, despite the fact that I have another five hours to go before the nurse shows up for Charlotte. I'm tired, I'm worn out, and throw pity parties for myself regularly. (You're all invited. It's bring your own pop corn though. I'm not sharing.)

Tonight, I realized that no matter what the circumstance-- no matter how ridiculous, I have great friends to back me up. Of course, over the past year, I've realized how important great friends are during a time of crisis.

It takes nights like tonight to realize how important great friends are during a time of normalcy.

What a Day

2010-10-08T17:49:00.002-04:00

Today is a busy day in my family.

First, it is my mother's birthday. She's trying to ignore it, but that's just not going to happen :) Happy birthday, Mama Farr-- you are amazing. After spending the better part of the last 30 years raising five children (and doing it well, in my opinion), she's still setting an incredible example for all of us. In her own soft, subtle way, she's taught me how to be a strong woman-- a woman who is comfortable being a wife and a mother, but a woman who doesn't need that to define her. A woman who has a successful career and still doesn't let that define her. A confident, kind, smart woman. My mother taught me to be a woman who is comfortable running a a business, nursing a patient, making a meal, or tucking a baby into bed. She taught me that by being that woman. And I love her for it.

Second, it's my brother-in-law, Sean's, birthday. (He made it easy for us to remember!) Sean has been such a fantastic addition to our family. He has supported Shayla through medical school, residency, and early mornings (not a good time for Farr girls), has been a wonderful father, and a great friend. Peter and I really miss living right around the corner from them, and not just because Sean is a really, really good cook. OK, well mostly because Sean is a good cook... But really now. We love having Sean in our family!

And third, today marks the day my dear, sweet cousin, Ben, passed away in 2004. His passing was tragic, and I wish I could say the pain of losing him gets duller with time, but it doesn't. What does get better, what has helped me to come to terms with his death, is his fantastic family. Their beautiful relationships have helped us to all accept a life ended too soon, and while it should be me offering strength and support to them, it is all too often the other way around. Some of the best times I can remember involve sitting around with my Aunt and Uncle and Cousins, laughing, crying, and most importantly, remembering. I thank them for helping to make Ben the incredible boy that he was, and for helping me remember what is really important during our short, brief lives: family.

What a day, what a day.

Does That Take Double A?

2010-10-03T10:56:00.005-04:00

Caleb is potty training (his idea), and despite our hectic lives, he is doing a FABULOUS job. Seriously. He's a super hero.

Anyway, last evening he was trying to go potty before bed and was having some difficulty with number 2. He looked at me and said, "I'm sorry Mommy, I can't go. My bum ran out of batteries."

Oh.

That explains so much.

Thanks Mom

2010-09-27T18:27:00.002-04:00

You know how wonderful it is when your mom comes to help? How the dishes get put away and the laundry is done and meals suddenly appear before you?

Yeah, I love that. I love it more than anything.

Except that my mother left three weeks ago....

and I still don't know where my socks are.

Help?

Caleb

2010-09-20T10:25:00.006-04:00

Image via Danica Nelson Photography

May 2010
2 years, 5 months

Oh Caleb. So much has happened over the past year, and I've been pretty bad at documenting it. Here's a review:

YMCA:
You went to a "pre-school" class at the YMCA three days a week for the past six months. Now that Charlotte is 'home' we have to keep you out of it (too many germs), but you loved your class. You learned so many things, but your favorite thing to talk about is stop lights. Anytime we stop at one, you inform us that "red means stop, green means go, and 'orange' means slow down." You know how to count to thirty, although you usually skip 14, 16, and 17 along the way. You know your alphabet like no one's business, but you still don't know which letter is which. You love to point out colors, usually asking us, "Is that blue?" or "What color is that?" and then telling us the answer, "Umm, green?!" You loved your teacher, Miss Bev, and you made some great friends. We never would have put you in a class so early, but with Baby Charlotte, we needed a place for you to go while we were at the hospital. Who would have guessed how much you loved it?! By the time your year ended, we were so sad that you had to stop going. Darn germs.

Interests:
Caleb, we have all watched the movie Cars, more times than I should say if I want people to think I'm an involved parent. You love yourself some Lightin' McQueen, that's for sure. Of course, you also love Thomas the Train, and you can name pretty much all of the trains. You sing the Thomas theme song when you are playing, and it's pretty darn cute. You are also very concerned with the speed of the car while driving ("You're going too fast, Mommy! We have to slow down!") and you have to know which way we are going ("Is that way left?"). You are trying really hard to put on your own shoes, and you usually get them on the right feet. You're semi interested in using the potty, and if you were in the same place for more than 12 hours at a time, I'm sure you would be done with diapers. You're very interested in going up the stairs, "like a big boy", instead of one stair at a time. You love to make people happy, always asking, "Are you happy?" or "Do I make you happy?" Anytime someone is upset, you run to them and pat them, saying, "It's OK, we're right here, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK." You love to give kisses and hugs and are pretty convinced that a kiss can make anyone happy (you're usually right). You love to show your happy, sad, mad, and surprised faces. You also have one mega "monster" face. Sorry to say it kid, but you are also scared of everything. I mean EVERYTHING. But the best "interest" you have is when you climb into my bed (preferably later than six in the morning) and ask if we can snuggle. Seriously, you know your way into my heart little one.

Big Brother:
You're pretty much the best big brother who has ever lived. And that's saying something, because I have two awesome big brothers myself. Despite knowing that Mommy and Daddy leave you all the time to be with Baby Charlotte, you talk about her constantly. "Baby Charlotte needs Mommy to make her happy." "Baby Charlotte needs to get all better to come home to be with me." You always want to hold her during your visits, and you would be perfectly content to just hug her the entire time. You are very concerned about germs, and you try to wash everything with hand sanitizer to "make the germs all gone." I'm sorry if this fear of germs becomes a problem for you later in life.

General:
Just like any two year old, you have your moments. But considering what you have gone through over the past year (a surgery of your own, a move to a new house, a rather sick/pregnant mother, and a very sick little sister, plus a fourth year medical student for a father) you are remarkably happy. The Child Life Specialist at CHOP sat down to play with you and you told her how sad you are when Mommy has to leave and that you don't want Daddy to go to work anymore. Despite these feelings, you always smile as we drop you off at another friend's house and you always run to us when we come to pick you up. Your flexibility, your strength, your kindness-- you are much more than your two little years let on. You'll probably never know what a support you have been to us as we've gone through this rough year.

Yesterday, I told you I loved you. You responded, "But why, Mommy? Why do you love me?" Trying to give you a "real" answer, I said, "Because you are my baby boy, because you try so hard even when things are difficult, because you're funny, because you're kind, because you're smart."

To which you responded, "Umm, yeah, I smart. I guess so."

Nine Eleven

2010-09-11T09:10:00.005-04:00

At the beginning of August I had the opportunity to get away for a girls weekend in NYC. A good friend, Carrie, who had moved to San Francisco, flew back into Philadelphia and she, Kay, and I spent the weekend laughing, eating and wandering through the city. At the time, Charlotte had been transferred to CHOP for the first time, and we weren't sure when she would be coming home. The NICU experience was getting old, and the two days away from it all were re-energizing and healing.

Although I would have had a great weekend with these girls no matter where we went, I'm really glad we went to NYC. While there, we had a chance to take a tour through the Tribute WTC 9/11-- Person to Person History.

I wish words could adequately describe the experience. Our group had two docents, both of which had been personally affected by the terror attacks on 9/11 in NYC. Ron, the tour guide, took us from the fire house, around the site itself, through some adjoining buildings, and finished at the memorial for eleven American Express employees who died that day. About half way through the tour, he sat us down. He looked at us and explained how that day was the start of school. Being a school architect, he was sitting down and taking a deep breath for the first time in months. He had finished his projects, he knew he had a few months before things started getting busy again. And then the first plane hit, just across the road from his workplace. His boss told them to gather extra supplies, scaffolding, equipment, hard hats, etc-- they were going to help stabilize the situation. As they were leaving their building, the second plane hit, and Ron knew the next few months would not entail early evenings and long weekends. He began to realize that the next few months would involve excavation-- not of brick and mortar, but of bodies, pieces of individuals who had been murdered. Murdered.

Ron started that day as a school architect. Over the next few months he lead the teams working on retrieval of bodies. He stood before us that day as the lead architect on the 9/11 NYC Memorial.

Maureen got up next. She had been quietly carrying the amplifier so we could hear Ron's incredible tour. She started out saying that on the morning of 9/11/2001, she was in Germany. She was working as a flight attendant. She turned on CNN, as that was the only English station, and watched as two planes hit the World Trade Centers in NYC. She frantically called her mother, in Canada, as she knew her husband had been in NYC that day, after just receiving a promotion. Her mother told her that her husband had called his own mother. He had asked that his wife be told he loved her. He was happy. He would miss his two children. He would cherish them.

He did not survive that day.

Ron took us a few steps farther and sat us down in the atrium of the American Express building. He told us how he had spent that morning, that awful, infamous morning, digging through rubble, trying to find survivors. He told us of how a building had crashed right through the window, how where we were sitting, hundreds had died. He told us of the two firefighters who would not leave the field, who would not clear the land when he asked. He told us of how he got angry-- didn't they realize how dangerous this was? Didn't they understand that a hand shovel and a pick was not going to do anything? And then he told us of what he didn't realize. How the two firefighters told him, "Man, you just don't get it. Our mother slammed the door in our face and told us not to come home without our father." They were searching. Just like him. Except, they were searching for something to complete the whole. They were searching for the missing piece of their family.

That piece is still missing, even today.

Ron and Maureen did not ask that we pick up arms and fight-- although, by then end of the tour, I was willing.

They asked us to do something so simple, so simple that we often forget to do it-- they asked us to remember. They asked that we remember that almost 3,000 people that day were murdered. Murdered. People woke up that morning, intending to kill, and kill they did. They asked us to keep talking about it-- to keep this day in the front of our minds, to never, ever forget.

They asked us to know that some-- that many-- can never forget. And we shouldn't have that luxury.

Six members of this Ladder Co. died on 9/11. Five were in the fire hall at the time of the attacks, the rest were out on another call, all the way across the city. The other fire fighter was at work, but heard the call. He left work that day to help save lives. He never went back.

All the fire fighters who lost their lives that day. Each one had a family, a mother, a father, a child, a loved one that still mourns. Their families cannot forget. We shouldn't either.

Current construction on the 9/11 memorial.

Ron and Maureen.

The unseen costs of war

2010-08-30T20:16:00.002-04:00

As I was walking around the naval base in San Diego today I began to notice something unusual, wheelchairs. At other hospitals wheelchairs carry very pregnant women and elderly people too sick to walk. Today I saw them whizzing around with 18-25 year old, Oakley sun glass wearing, my biceps are bigger than your legs occupants.
Each of these men were born with fully functioning legs that had carried them across end zone lines and finish lines in the not so distant past. They carried them into the recruiters office to swear an oath to defend our country. They carried them onto the plane bound for Iraq or Afghanistan.

Unfortunately a explosion or an accident while fighting a war has taken both of their legs above the knee before the age of 25. As they whizzed by today in their wheelchairs or limped by on prosthetics I could not help but hope that the cause has been worth it. Too often I count the costs of war in dollars or deaths, but not in the people who live with the permanent scars. Long after the last soldier leaves Iraq or Afganistan, after we have moved onto another President, another war, or another "breaking story" on CNN. These Sailors/Soldiers/Marines/Airmen will still sit in their wheelchairs or limp with their prosthetics. We owe it to them, to their sacrifice, to be judicious in when and where we fight.

Love Them

2010-08-06T23:42:00.001-04:00

Emily, Kahalia, Jules, Chaci
7/27/10
Group shot after going to see Jacob take off his shirt, umm, I mean, Eclipse. That's why we went... we went for the story line. Definitely.

Just a note to say, I don't think I would have survived these past few months without these girls. These girls visited me when I was on bed rest before having Charlotte. Kay drove an hour out once a week during the craziest winter ever-- and Kay is from Atlanta. She doesn't do snow.

They came to the hospital when I was admitted. They came when I had Charlotte.

They made me dinner. They made Peter dinner.

They cried with me. They laughed with me.

They went to see Eclipse with me.

They've visited Charlotte. They've held her while I was away.

They've called. They've texted.

They've been fantastic friends.

And I love them all dearly.

Norfolk, VA

2010-08-05T23:22:00.002-04:00

Pictures from 7/17/10

Caleb and Peter checking out the planes. Caleb was most impressed. Peter and I were just hot.

I'm sure there is a name and details about this plane. To me, it's just large.

I love Caleb's smile here. Too cute.

Double straw action at IHOP

Caleb and I made the trek down to Norfolk in the middle of July to see Peter while he was on rotation at the Naval Hospital there.

The morning we were supposed to leave, I woke up with a fever of 103.5 and thought I was dying. (OK, that's a bit dramatic, but, let's be honest, it's me we're talking about here...). I tried really hard to put on my big girl pants and pull myself together. What should have been a 5 hour drive ended up being close to 10 hours and Pete had to come rescue us at the end, about an hour outside of Norfolk. What a good husband!

Luckily, I felt better the next morning and we were able to tour the base and get a feel for the area. Caleb definitely approved of the Naval Shipyard. The first time he saw a ship he said (direct quote here), "That's a big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, boat."

All in all, we liked the area and wouldn't mind living there next year if that's where Peter matches for residency. Although, we did get reprimanded for being Yankees (a fact of which we are very proud, thank-you-very-much) and we were told the area was "ghetto" because there was a shooting there five years ago.

After living in Philly, I think our "ghetto" radar is a bit off, since the area looked very nice to us. Somehow, I think we could survive. Unless the person was shot because he was a Yankee.

Then we're in a lot of trouble.

Jersey Shore, Knickerbocker Style

2010-08-04T23:06:00.001-04:00

WATER!!!

"I'll go in if you go in"

That's one cute kid, if I do say so myself. And I do. I say so.

I love that older cousins will always be the ultimate source of knowledge.

Peter's Aunt and Uncle go to Ocean City, NJ each year for a week. We figured, "What's a vacation without our presence?" So we went down to spend an evening with them. Lily and Caleb had so much fun, and Caleb cannot stop asking about when he is going to the "shore" with her again.

He's so from Philly.

Has Anyone Seen Caleb?

2010-08-03T22:59:00.002-04:00

This is a sampling of what I am greeted with, should I lose track of Caleb for a moment or two (or three, or twenty, or...)

"I'm pullin' weeds, Mommy. Just like grandpa."
7/9/10

Honestly, I do some weird things, but I have no idea where he picked up putting eye shadow in his ear.

Silly me, I didn't actually think I was going to USE that makeup, did I?
7/10/10

This one is legit on Caleb's part. I told him to go play outside while I packed his bag for the YMCA.

But I swear, he was only outside for 10 minutes.
7/8/10

Hershey Park

2010-07-05T18:52:00.004-04:00

Pictures from 6/26/2010

We were lucky enough to inherit a set of tickets to Hershey Park a few weeks ago. I'd never been to Hershey and so we decided to lather on some sunscreen and head on out to the land of milk chocolate.

I was surprised by how many child friendly rides there were, and Caleb had a great time. Hershey Park also has a program where you can wait in line together as parents, and then one parent can ride while the other parent stays with the kids-- then you switch. That way you only have to wait in line once. It was pretty nice.

We also enjoyed the lazy river, which is totally worth the ticket price, which I don't know what it is, since we were given our tickets, but whatever the cost, the lazy river is worth it.

But enough about that. Here's the proof:

Riding a rocket ship. Grandpere gave us a book about Martians and since then, Caleb cannot stop talking about rocket ships. He was THRILLED to get to ride one.

No, you're not seeing things. Parkesburg is on the map. That's right.

I love watching their conversations.

Motorcycle. He did not want to get off this ride. It took a lot of convincing. And maybe, perhaps, an ice cream cone or two.

We realized that their swimming suits matched. It was even better because Pete's shirt was white and blue, while Caleb's was white and red. They totally coordinated.

He ate TWO. Yeah, sick, I know.

It's just too overwhelming.

Welcome to the World

2010-07-04T23:13:00.005-04:00

Miss Emily Claire Harward joined the gang via
Mandy (Peter's sister) and her husband, Soren.

She arrived June 24, 2010 weighing 8 pounds, 1 ounce
and measuring 21 1/4 inches long.

Mom and Dad are doing well and
Emily has been successful in wrapping all of us
around her little fingers.

Congrats Mandy and Soren, we're so excited for you.
(Now get some sleep!)

Jordan the Birthday Boy

2010-07-04T15:55:00.006-04:00

This little boy just celebrated his first birthday.
His mom and dad were nice enough to throw a little (aka, totally awesome) party and Caleb was lucky enough to make the guest list.

We played games:

We tried to be patient, but it was hard:

We got lucky with some Swedish Fish:

But most of all, we partied!

Happy Birthday Jordan, thanks for sharing your day with us!

pictures from 6/18/2010

Autonomy

2010-07-01T21:48:00.003-04:00

Apparently, as long as it is Caleb's idea, going to bed is simple, easy, and painless.

If it is mom's idea it is long, filled with tears and usually ends up with mom sleeping in Caleb's bed (which, believe me, does not feel great in the morning).

The past week has been awful at bedtime. Caleb would cry for h-o-u-r-s. Peter or I would end up in bed with him. It was not a pretty picture. A few nights ago, Peter just looked at him and said, "Alright, I'm done reading books to you now. If you want to stay up and read some books go ahead, but I'm leaving now."

His response? "Oh, ok Daddy." Ten minutes later, he was sound asleep.

It's worked for three days in a row. I think that counts as an official break-through.

And so a lifetime of deciding things for himself truly begins. (And a lifetime of me stepping back and letting him make such decisions.)

Choose wisely, little one, choose wisely.

Accidents

2010-06-30T17:50:00.002-04:00

Horrible accidents happen everyday. Usually, we are separated from tragedy by nothing more than a little luck. A bit of chance. A moment of clarity.

Unfortunately, those barriers break down and some awful, gut wrenching things can happen.

A friend of a friend lost their little girl after she was left in the car for a period of time last weekend. Before you say, "That would never happen to me," go read this article. It won the 2010 Pulitzer Prize for Feature Writing. It changed the way I think about these accidents. Read it. Seriously. But get some tissues first. It's hard, but read it. Every parent should.

Once you've hugged your children, and thanked your God for the moments you have with your family, take the time to see the family's donation page.

This family is paying to bury their two year old. Surely the $5 or $10 or $50 will help them more by having it than it will hurt you by giving it.

Hair Cut

2010-06-27T14:11:00.004-04:00

Hair as of last Saturday (6/18/10)

Hair as of this Saturday (6/26/10):

I know it was just a hair cut, but seriously, how does it make him look so much older?

Our Carpentry Adventure

2010-06-25T13:39:00.009-04:00

It started with this:

Which did this:

And was enjoyed by these:

And then there was some of (A LOT of) this:

Which lead to this:

And this:

And finally resulted in this:

And this:

The roof/tarp comes this week and our adventure in carpentry will be over!

We knew that with Charlotte's home-bound needs, Caleb would need a place to play this fall. Sane people would go to Home Depot, pick out a swing set and schedule a delivery time.

Sanity is not a strong suit in this household.

We bought some plans, ordered some wood, measured, cut, swore (a little), measured again, cut again, drilled, aligned, and finally, sledge hammered things in place.

I think we actually had some fun in there, too.

Dear Caleb

2010-06-24T14:30:00.003-04:00

My little boy.

My first. My whole world. I've been wanting to write you a letter for awhile now, but the words just don't seem to come. How can they? What words accurately describe your world right now?

I wanted to write a letter expressing my sorrow that you have to start your relationship with Charlotte this way. This silly, nasty, drawn out way.

I wanted to write, to tell you, how proud I am of you-- how I know that children come pre-wired, because your father and I have done nothing to prepare you for this situation, and yet, there you are, handling it with grace and strength. (And the occasional two-year-old tantrum).

I'd like to write you a letter that encapsulates my complete love for you, and yet, when I sit down to write, I have nothing. The English language still does not have a word for a mother's love.

Nor can words can describe the ache I feel-- the emptiness that consumes my body when I think about how much I've missed over the past few months. You're suddenly a big boy, in relative terms, and I mourn the time I cannot have, the moments I did not see, the stories I could not hear.

And despite that pain, you fill me with joy. You are completely forgiving. You are honest. You are sincere. You are full of desire to learn, to understand, to comprehend. You are kind.

You are innocent.

You ask everyday how Baby Charlotte is doing. "Oh, she makin' all better? She come home and live with me?" You plead with me to let you go see her. I struggle with that. You want to see this baby, you want to love this child, and I am scared to let you. I'm scared that you won't understand, that you'll pull away, that you'll resent her for taking us away from you.

And you prove me wrong. You love her. As you lay your hand on her back, you rub softly and declare, "Baby Charlotte, you're so beautiful." You tell her this as if you wish she believed it as much as you do. Please remember to tell her that in a few years from now. Sisters need that from their brothers.

You love so unconditionally. So fully. You give your heart to heal others. It's your gift and you give so freely.

But there just aren't words. And so I offer this, this paltry letter, that dims in comparison to its true intent.

These are the only words I have.

And I know, that for you, it will be enough.

Imagination

2010-06-23T16:10:00.005-04:00

Caleb's "birthday cake"

"Want some Mommy? Want some?"

Caleb is getting to that magical place in life where everything is possible and nothing is out of reach. I hope he stays there for a while.

Daddy

2010-06-19T22:38:00.002-04:00

We love you, Daddy. We love you lots.

Happy Father's Day.

Reason #354 Why I Should Not Cook Dinner

2010-06-17T10:17:00.003-04:00

Mandolin Slicer: 1 Me: 0

Huh?

2010-06-14T09:50:00.003-04:00

Peter and I ordered some late night Chinese on Friday. I know it was past 10, and good Chinese food comes from people who typically, you know, speak Chinese, but really...

We ordered vegetarian lo mein, vegetarian fried rice, 4 vegetarian egg rolls.

We picked up 8 packs of egg and spring rolls, chicken on a stick, orange chicken, and our lo mein, and fried rice.

Chicken on a stick?

Haha. It might have cost us $28, but it was worth it.

Chicken on a stick.

I'm still laughing.

And we have about 12 egg rolls too many if anyone wants some...

Throwing Away The Key

2010-06-12T08:48:00.002-04:00

This article in the NY Times (regarding children, specifically girls, "playing sexy") makes me want to lock Charlotte up and throw away the key until she's at least 21. And Caleb? Ha. He's never, ever going to school if this is how his friends will be playing at recess.

I'm pretty sure that's what they wanted me to get out of it, too. Not that I should be proactive as a parent. Nope definitely not that. Definitely the "lock them in a room and never let them see the light of day" message.

Cheap

2010-06-11T09:34:00.005-04:00

Image via Wikipedia

My entire outfit yesterday came from Target, and not on purpose.

My shoes, tanktop, shirt, and skirt came to a total outfit price of $24.

There are moments that I dream of shopping at places like a department store. Really, I could be so well put together if all my clothes came from Nordstrom. For real. I promise. If you let me, I'll prove it to you.

But then I come back to reality and I think it'll be enough of an adjustment to start looking at the non-clearance part of Target.

Jimmy Choos, you'll just have to wait a little longer.

More Caleb Creations

2010-06-08T09:34:00.001-04:00

I knew I was skipping a step with my muffins.

Mother's Day

2010-06-08T09:06:00.004-04:00

Caleb made this for me in his class at the YMCA this year. I was scanning it into the computer so I could have it without having to pack it and move it with us everywhere we go and I thought it should be shared.

I love being as pretty as a pretty.

National Train Day

2010-06-03T22:00:00.004-04:00

Caleb thought that this train had a mustache.

Caleb and the Conductor. Caleb was literally yelling, "I'M ON A TRAIN!! A TRAIN!! A TRAIN!!"

So incredibly excited to be on a train.

May 8, 2010 was National Train Day. There was a festival of sorts at Thirtieth Street Station in Philadelphia and so I booked some tickets and Patti, Caleb and I went down to tour a train. I knew Caleb loved trains and all, but the level of excitement to be on a real train was much, much more than I expected. He was in heaven.

It was crowded and unorganized, but the train tour was definitely worth the hassle.

Cousins

2010-06-03T21:37:00.004-04:00

We had cousins come to visit over Memorial Day Weekend. My brother, Aaron, and his family (wife, Jenny, and two children, Maeli {5} and Joey {4 months}) are moving to California in a week, and they came out to visit, see grandparents, and allow for us to meet their newest addition. Joey was born on Feb. 6, about 3 weeks before Charlotte made her grand entrance. Since our lives have been slightly hectic, we haven't been able to meet this little one. He was well worth the wait. Every morning Caleb wakes up asking if he can play with Baby Joey. About 3 times a day he tells me that "Baby Joey is sad because Baby Joey wants to play with Caleb."

Thanks for coming to visit us. And thank you Maeli for playing so much with Caleb. He loves you so much and can't wait for Charlotte to be big enough so we can come see you. Until then-- good luck with the move and enjoy sunny California!

Vacay

2010-06-01T21:22:00.010-04:00

Caramel apple. A.W.E.S.O.M.E. And yes, this thing easily took 6 years off my life expectancy. Worth. It.

Peter finished his Board exams (COMLEX Step II and the Physical Examination Exam) on May 18, so we packed the kid in, grabbed our swimming suits and headed on down to Ocean City, Maryland.

On the trip down. We're awesome parents and drove our child to the beach at 11:00 PM. Bedtime? Ehh...

Water slide at our hotel's children's pool

We stayed at the Hilton suites in Ocean City and really enjoyed it. The pools (1 indoor and 2 outdoor) were amazing and the children's pool was a huge success with Caleb.

He loved the sand. We could barely get him over the sand dunes before he started digging.

Remember how I said I wouldn't post embarrassing pictures? Oh well.
He wrapped this towel around him and said, "I'm a princess! I'm a princess!" We're going to thank Aubrie for that one :)

Caleb conveniently helping himself to his new friend's toys.

Even the clouds couldn't keep him from playing in the sand.

We were even able to get a trip to Assateague Island in and saw some ponies and lots and lots of trees. Caleb was rather impressed with the ponies and birds, until a pony tried to nibble on his toes. He was thereafter, unimpressed. He kept saying, "We need to go eat some yummy, yummy crabs!" (We had promised we'd go get crabs after we saw the ponies).

Apparently, our car can swim. Who knew a Camry came so fully equipped?

Pony trying to eat Caleb's foot.

Once Caleb saw the crabs, however, he was rather convinced they were bugs ("It's a bug mommy, it's a bug! Don't eat bugs, ewww, Mommy.") and was therefore, unimpressed. He was a big fan of Rita's though.

And oreos.

He poor kid got some awesome sunscreen-and-sand mixture in his eye. It was red and puffy all day. Oreos help make eyes better, didn't you know?

And that was our two day trip. It was awesome. Let's go again!

Abby Marie Knickerbocker

2010-06-01T21:17:00.003-04:00

Nick (Peter's younger brother) and his wife Lisa, met their beautiful little girl, Abby Marie on Tuesday, May 25, 2010 at 1:35 PM.

Weighing in at 5 pounds, 7 ounces (and 19 inches), this tiny blessing has us all enamored.

Abby and Charlotte even had a playdate in the NICU. It was brief, (thank goodness!) but the cousins met. Caleb loves his little cousin and can't stop talking about "Baby Abby"

Congrats Nick and Lisa!

I heart Danica

2010-06-01T21:08:00.003-04:00

Danica Nelson has been Caleb's photographer since he was 2 months old. Now her husband thinks he's going to take his Ivy League Dental School educated self and move to St. Louis to start a highly competitive Orthodontic program (or something like that) that he has been accepted into.

You all know what I think of that.

LAME.

Whatever. So he's super smart, talented, driven and successful. I personally think Danica should follow our family around as we move from place to place. Oh well.

Seriously, St. Louis, you're so dang lucky.

Check out her previews of the pictures here.

I know it helps that Caleb is so cute, but she's pretty good. :)

Chester County Hospital May Festival

2010-06-01T20:42:00.008-04:00

Apparently, each year in May the hospital where Charlotte currently resides (Chester County Hospital) holds a fundraiser festival. We bought some raffle tickets (no, we didn't win the car. or anything for that matter) and some ride tickets and took Caleb.

When we got there, he pointed to the festival and said, "Look! A party for me!"

Uhh, sorry kid, but if you think that's what your parties are going to be like, you're in for some sweet, sweet disappointment.

So excited to be riding a train.

Can't stop looking at the rides for a second.

Fire engine ride. He was so cute.

Dragon ride. It went up and down while flying in a circle.

Caleb actually did a lot better than I thought he would. He's usually such a scared little boy and I thought the rides would really freak him out, but no way. He LOVED it. Now, every time we go to the hospital (the festival was in the hospital parking lot) he says, " 'member that party for me? It goes bye-bye."

Anyone in the area should definitely check it out next year. The money goes to a fabulous cause and it was a lot of fun!

Pictures from 5/15/10

Blackmail Pictures

2010-06-01T20:39:00.004-04:00

4/25/10

I don't really support posting pictures that will completely embarrass children later in life, but there are exceptions to every rule.

How stinkin' cute is he? I love this boy more than my heart can handle sometimes.

That Cannot Be Comfortable

2010-05-15T11:16:00.003-04:00

One should always be prepared to sleep when the opportunity arises.

Because, sometimes, eating lunch just wears you out.

The Damage

2010-05-15T11:11:00.003-04:00

I love tempered glass. That's all I have to say about it.

Week In Review

2010-05-09T22:00:00.003-04:00

This week our car's window was smashed in, Caleb played on trains, Charlotte Amalie went back on the ventilator, Peter studied for boards, my sister Katie got engaged and I have been attacked by killer allergies.

Pictures to follow.

Blog Etiquette

2010-05-06T12:46:00.003-04:00

When someone comments in the form of a question on a post, do you:
A. comment on your own blog in response?
B. Email them?
C. Call them and answer their question?
D. Write another post to answer the question?
E. Or just ignore it and hope they'll forget they asked, like I do?

(I feel silly answering a comment on my own blog-- do people go back and check a comment they left to see if someone has responded to it?)

I need to know these things. My grandmothers taught me how to do things like set the table, send thank you cards, and tie perfectly proportionate bows. I will be teaching my grandchildren about the proper way to respond to blogs-- of course, at that point, they'll probably have patented mind reading and we'll never have to contact anyone again.

Weird.

Just wondering. You can answer in the comment section. I may or may not respond.

Tigers and Elephant Rides

2010-04-28T09:44:00.004-04:00

Caleb these days:

Can't go anywhere without tiger! I wish I would sleep this well... oh wait, I do.

This is the only kind of Elephant ride we can afford

Lucky Duck

2010-04-27T16:42:00.003-04:00

I feel guilty when people talk about father figures.

I've written before about my father, and what an incredible man he is. So all things considered, Pops should fill my "father figure" quota. But somehow, the stars aligned and I was blessed with another father, equally incredible, but in different ways.

Jeff and his wife (I wrote about her in this post) shared their time, their holidays, their love and their ambitions with my family.

As a little girl, I would randomly receive presents from him, although they were always labeled "from a secret admirer." I still have a necklace charm that Jeff gave me when I was about 8. When, during a rowdy dorm party, my laptop was broken freshman year, Jeff spent his Christmas holiday fixing my computer screen so I would have a computer at school. When I didn't have the cash to put a security deposit down on an apartment and I was too proud to ask for help, he found out and without fanfare, there it was. When I needed someone to think I was special, someone to talk to me, to see my potential, Jeff has always, always been there.

With everything that has been going on, it's been hard to focus on "real life" lately, but in a relatively unimportant way I was really disappointed that I didn't get any Thin Mints this year. We were slightly distracted during Girl Scout Cookie season this year.

And then, yesterday, I got a package in the mail from Jeff. And I remembered: He ALWAYS sends me Thin Mints for my birthday. He never forgets. And even though a box of Thin Mints will not fix the craziness of our lives, the fact that he remembered kinda does. Knowing that I have people in my life like him, make me feel like we can get through anything.

So yeah, I think I feel guilty about the awesome father figures in my life. I am just one lucky duck.

Earth Day

2010-04-22T18:20:00.002-04:00

We love the Earth. Seriously. We're all about it. Not all about it in a "I'm gunna chain myself to a tree" sorta way, but in a "Can you believe how amazing this place is" kinda way.

Speaking of how awesome the Earth is, I think I should mention one of it's greatest attributes. It holds on to things. Lots of things. Like my engagement ring.

Remember THIS post? How I was planting a garden (to be kind to the Earth and save some cha-ching, cha-ching) and I lost my engagement ring?

No worries. The new tenants of the place were planting a garden (go them!) and they found it. AND they mailed it to us. Priority Overnight. (Fed-ex thanks them as well).

Why they were able to find it and we could not (after two metal detectors and hours of hand sifting the dirt...) I'm not sure, but hey. Whatever works.

So yeah. Go Earth. Go new tenants. We love all of you.

Bed Time Story

2010-04-14T19:13:00.002-04:00

A transcript of the conversation between Caleb and I as he is getting ready for bed:

(We're sitting on his bed, reading stories and he is snacking on a sandwich)

Caleb: I ready to say prayers now. You say it?
Me: You want me to say the prayer?
C: No. I say it. Dear Heav'ly Father, Thank you for Charlotte. Thank you for making her all better. Thank you for Doctors, Grandma, Grandpa and Momma. Thank you for Daddy be a doctor to give medicine medicine and make people all better. Thank you for sandwiches. Thank you for big bites (he reaches down and takes a bite of his sandwich) Name of Jesus. Amen.

And since there is no appropriate way to verbally respond to something like this, I ended our conversation with a big hug and a few tears.

I love this kid. So much. About this <-----> much.

Potty Training

2010-04-13T12:17:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure who trains whom during "potty training" but either I haven't forgotten to take Caleb to the bathroom every 5 minutes in 12 hours, or Caleb hasn't had an accident.

Either way, (me training Caleb or Caleb training me), not changing a diaper in 12 hours rocks my world. Let me enjoy it before the house of cards comes crashing down.

Our Easter

2010-04-06T16:25:00.005-04:00

I Believe

2010-04-03T13:41:00.001-04:00

I'm not really the type of person who wears Religion on my sleeve. Well, kinda I do. Religion is a very large part of my life; it has shaped who I am, has influenced every aspect of my life. But I'm not the type of person who talks very openly about it. I should be better about it, but my religious beliefs have always been so special, so sacred to me, that I try very hard to give my Faith the respect and honor it deserves, and I worry that those I share it with might mock or disparage it. That fear of desecration of my Religion keeps me from sharing it with others all too often.

I think the name of Christ should be Honored, not plastered on my car as a bumper sticker. Some may follow this form of religious expression, and I respect their right to share their beliefs in whatever way they prefer, but it's just not they way I would choose to express my belief in Christ.

Make sense?

I share this just to help you understand that I don't take what follows lightly. It is meant as a genuine expression, not a trivial blogpost.

This Easter weekend, many have the chance to focus on what they believe and they spend the weekend in celebration. For the past month, our family has been very aware of the Hand of God in our lives. At times we acutely feel the absence of that Hand. At times, we feel the very Arms of God around us. But when we stop to think about what we celebrate, what the Easter season really means, we know without a doubt that our Savior atoned for us, and that His atonement encompassed much more than our sins, He felt our every pain and sorrow, our every moment of dispair.

Unfortunately, with our human nature, we don't always feel blessed, but we know we have been. Despite our human frailties, we rely on that which we know to help us get through that which we feel.

Here are two links that will help describe some of our beliefs. The first, Mormon.com is geared towards those who don't know anything about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or who might have questions about our church. The other, LDS.org, is geared towards members of the LDS church, and has links to all of our scriptures, church magazines and talks given by our church leadership.

Also, check out the YouTube Channel, Mormon Messages, to see short videos that discuss our beliefs.

These two passages of scripture have given me comfort throughout our experience.

From the New Testament,

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; We are perplexed, but not in despair;
Persecuted but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

And, from the Book of Mormon,

Alma 7:11-12 (Emphasis Added)

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

Because You Need Pictures of Us Eating

2010-03-28T20:34:00.004-04:00

Last week was my father's birthday. He was in Bethlehem, PA for a work thingy-ma-bob and so we met half way to enjoy a Birthday/We-don't-get-to-see-you-that-much dinner. Oh how I love PF Changs. And my Dad. He's pretty rockin'. Just ask Caleb.

Thanks for meeting up with us and for letting us waste your evening.

Happy Birthday, Pops.

Caleb, showing Grandpere how to use chopsticks

Caleb and Grandpere, blowing out candles

This happened several more times, Caleb wanted the candle to be lit again and again.

Peter, Caleb, Grandpere and Amanda.

Things Caleb Says

2010-03-23T09:46:00.003-04:00

These days, Caleb's saying a lot of cute things:

"It's too big, I can't hold it." (in reference to large trucks, trains, elephants, tigers, or anything he doesn't want to touch.)

"Hide, Daddy. Be a lion." (Peter and Caleb play a game of Daddy pretending to be a lion.)

"Baby Sister drinks breast milk, I drink cow milk."

"Good job, Mommy, good job helping." (Pretty much anytime I do anything).

The other day, Peter was painting. Caleb came up to him and said, "Whatchya doing, Daddy?" "I'm painting, Caleb." " Ohhhh, Painting? Great job Daddy, it looks very nice."

Yesterday, at the Y, Caleb was getting his diaper changed. He looked up at the lady and said, "I love my Charlotte. She's at the hospital to get all better."

Moving On

2010-03-20T08:20:00.002-04:00

This morning I'm getting ready to head over to a baby shower for a dear, dear friend. This friend has struggled with health problems for years and has suffered a lot when it came to getting pregnant. And so to have a party to celebrate being 34 weeks pregnant makes sense.

Intellectually.

Emotionally, I'm not sure I'm quite ready to handle it. I don't know why even. But I'm going. Because I know that even if I'm not ready for this, I have incredible friends who will let me be that crazy person who's crying over baby socks. And that's the beauty of our situation. Sometimes this whole thing makes me a mean, crass person (a whole 'nother post) but sometimes, most of the time, this situation makes me better. It helps me to see how much we really have-- how blessed we really are. We have been given so much, so very much.

And that's a gift.

Words Peter Doesn't Need to Hear:

2010-03-15T21:32:00.003-04:00

"You were right."

He'd been telling me all week to go in and see my doctor. "But it's just a stupid upper respiratory thing," I'd claim. Besides, I knew that they would just say that it was viral and I'd be over it in a few days. "But you're fever is not consistent with a URI," he'd claim (what a medical student).

BLAH BLAH BLAH

Finally after I'd started an antibiotic for the upper respiratory thing-y-ma-bob and my fever still wasn't going down at all, even though I'd stopped coughing, I was willing to concede that there might be SOMETHING else going on. But Peter still wasn't "right".

"I think you have an abscess," he'd say. "But remember Caleb's abscess? It was all red and puffy. My incision looks perfect," I'd counter.

This went on for 3 days.

Until Sunday morning when I woke up with a red and puffy abdomen.

So instead of a nice and simple office visit, I ended up in the ER for 7 hours. I had to drink contrast, get a CT scan, and let the doctor slice me back open to squeeze out some junky stuff. And I have to pump and dump. Stupid CT scan.

And I still have to go back into the office to have it checked again.

But I'll still never say it. He doesn't need to hear it. He already knows.

And that's dangerous enough.

Caleb getting ready

2010-03-11T21:04:00.003-05:00

Caleb getting ready, originally uploaded by afknick.

Caleb thinks that he should be able to get ready just like Mommy. He also wants to put on make-up. I don't know if I should be worried or not...

Kids...

2010-03-06T20:18:00.003-05:00

Caleb: No, Daddy, NOOOOO!

Me: Caleb we don't tell Mommy and Daddy, 'no'-- Daddy is trying to help, OK?

Caleb: No. No OK.

Peter: Yeah, he got that loud and clear.

Don't worry, we're writing down all our parenting secrets and planning to have them published to help all of you out who are just not as good at this as we are.

We do what we can.

Happy Anniversary to My Very Best Friend

2010-03-03T19:05:00.005-05:00

Among other things, today is our 4 year anniversary. We celebrated like party animals. I took some percocet and slept and Peter tried to put our lives back together. Tonight, we'll put Caleb in bed and head over to the hospital. Woohoo!

Despite the lack of festivities, I cannot imagine celebrating this day with anyone else. Especially in light of recent events, I am so glad that I have such an incredible man by my side. Peter has always been amazing, but he's out done even himself in the past few months.

If I have to spend today in the NICU, I'm so glad I get to do it with my best friend by my side-- cause that's what marriage really is, right?

PS-- Her blog is up. We'll be updating over there from now on. Stay tuned here for all our other antics.
http://cak-micropreemie.blogspot.com/

the lonely trip home from the hospital.

2010-03-03T16:15:00.000-05:00

Charlotte:
She is doing as well as we can hope for. She lives in the incubator pictured above where the temp is ~95 degrees and the humidity is 85%. She has a light shining on her constantly to help reduce the biliruben build up in her blood which causes jaundice in most a lot of newborns. Her head is pretty much completely covered with a hat and blinders so that the light will not damage her fragile eyes. She is on the Ventilator on CPAP (Continous positive Airway Pressure)settings with either a nasal canula or a face mask strapped to her head. CPAP works like blowing up a balloon. It is hard when you first start blowing it up, but after a few breaths it gets a lot easier. The CPAP keeps the lungs from completely collapsing with each breath making it much easier to take the next breath. This is a good sign because it means that her lungs are doing most of the work, they just need a little help vs. on ventilator settings where the machine is doing most of the work.
She likes to move her arms around and usually has one hand resting on her chin.

The next big test will be whether something called the Ductus Arterious will close. The ductus is a blood vessel that reroutes the blood away from the non functioning lungs during development in utero. It usually spontaneously closes in most term infants after they take their first breath. Failure of this shortcut to close within 24 hours of birth is concerning because it can lead to very high pressures in the lungs and ultimately Right sided Congestive heart failure. This morning they said that it was not yet closed and that they would give her medication today to try and speed up the process of closure. If the medication does not work, it will require surgery to close. Hopefully it decides to close on its own.

Amanda: She is doing well considering what has happened in the past week. She is currently in a Percocet induced deep sleep. She is in a good deal of pain from the C-section. She was discharged today and it was tough to watch the other mothers leave with their happy sleeping newborns, while we left without Charlotte as she clung to life in the NICU. We were happy for the other mothers, it was just hard to have the difference in our situations so clearly displayed.

Peter: I am discovering that it is a lot more fun to be on the doctor side of things then the patient side. The first class in medical school where you dissect a cadaver from from head to toe teaches you, among other things, how to objectify the HE-- out of any situation. Instead of a patient being a father of four with a loving wife, he becomes the 35 year old Caucasian male with presenting with chest pain, shortness of breath and diaphoresis .....
It has been hard not to objectify what is happening with Charlotte. Hard not to become preoccupied with the ventilator settings, oxygen saturation, or the tower of different drugs/nutrition that is running into her IV's. I have to catch myself and remember that it is my daughter under all of the tubes and wires and not just another interesting patient.

Caleb: He has been doing remarkably well. We are thankful to all of the people that have extended offers to watch him as we go through this. He loves to play with other kids and asks us every day whether he can go and "play with kids" today. He says that he has a baby sister, but I am not sure how deep that understanding goes. We were practicing her name today with him and he seemed excited about it.

I think that Amanda is going to setup a separate blog for all things Charlotte while she is in the hospital. She will post a link to it here when she does.

Charlotte Amalie Knickerbocker

2010-02-28T17:27:00.005-05:00

She's here.... at 12:15 pm Charlotte made her appearance weighing in at 1.2 lbs and measuring 11 inches tall. She was born at 24+2 weeks gestational age.
This morning Amanda developed the inevitable infection that comes with ruptured membranes. Due to the infection she started to go into labor, but the baby had flipped and was now a breech presentation (feet first). So the decision was made to perform a C-Section. Amanda did well during the C-Section which went very quickly.
When Charlotte was delivered she was rushed to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) for resuscitation and we were able to see her about 2 hours later.
She is doing well for being so young. She is intubated and on a ventilator. She has access lines in her umbilicus, and is in an incubator. The good news is she is breathing room air on the vent, which means that she does not require supplemental oxygen to get her oxygen saturation levels up. A good sign for the maturity of the lungs.

The said that things will be a roller coaster. Some days will be good and other days will be bad. They are expecting to keep her in the NICU at least until June best case scenario.

I am not trying to make a political point when I say this:
Thank you to everyone that pays taxes so that my family can have health insurance. We are very appreciative at this time that we can get the care that we need for Charlotte without worry of financial ruin or having to choose which treatments we can afford. Again, I am not trying to be political. I just want to express my gratitude to all of you.

Amanda is recovering well. She got a vertical incision on the uterus which will necessitate future (if we ever do this again) C-sections at 34 wga. She is currently receiving antibiotics for the infection and is taking a nap.

Sorry for the disjointed nature of this post. Just random thoughts from a frazzled father.

Thank you for all of your support and concern. It has really been touching though all of this.

Still Pregnant!

2010-02-27T07:47:00.002-05:00

It's about 8 am on Saturday morning and it looks like we've made it through the first few days just fine. I'm almost past the window that they are most concerned for developing an infection, so as long as all goes well today, I should be moved to the maternity ward until I deliver. Since the baby will be premature, I'll have to deliver in the OR, where they have all the ventilators and equipment the baby will need.

We've spoke to the NICU team here and the OB's and we're all just hoping that I don't need any of them for several more weeks. For right now, we're taking it week by week-- I've made it to 24 weeks, let's see if I can hit 25. Our next major milestone is 28 weeks, then 32, then 34. If by some miracle I make it to 34 weeks, they will probably induce me and deliver this little one. So here's to ten more weeks of hanging out in the hospital. :)

Many have asked if we want visitors. I have absolutely no objection to people visiting, but they are currently not allowing children in the hospital as visitors. Word on the street is that they are going to lighten that restriction in March, but we haven't heard anything official.

Thank you for all your support!! This has been incredibly humbling and although I hope no one has to go through it-- I appreciate the lessons I've already been taught. So thanks! You guys are so great!

But Let's Be Honest

2010-02-25T20:59:00.003-05:00

Even though we pretend to have lives outside of this pregnancy, it's pretty much taken over.

THE BACK STORY:
Monday I went in for a 17H Progesterone shot. Doctors aren't sure why, but progesterone has shown in studies to help prevent miscarriages in early pregnancy as well as premature labor in later pregnancy. In my case, the plan was to have a shot weekly until 34 weeks gestation. After the shot on Monday, I was pretty sick and devastatingly tired. But by Tuesday, I felt great. Better than I had since about week 5 of pregnancy.

Wednesday Caleb and I got up and made a cake for Peter's birthday/return. (It was WAY better than his 25 year birthday cake). I was feeling a little under the weather, but all in all, it was OK. Peter surprised us and came home several hours earlier than we expected, YAY! Peter's parents graciously watched Caleb for us so we could run out and have a dinner to celebrate him coming home and his birthday. Of course, being the good parents we are, we ate cake before we left for dinner (all the while telling Caleb he had to finish his dinner before he could have cake. Score one for us).

When we arrived at the restaurant, I went to get out of the car and felt a gush of fluid. I had had fluid leakage previously in this pregnancy, so I wasn't too concerned, but I put a call into my OB's office just to keep them up to date. I already had an appointment scheduled for Thursday, so I figured waiting a 15 hours to go into the office wouldn't be terrible. The on-call doctor agreed, as long as the fluid stopped and I didn't have any other significant gushes.

We enjoyed a delicious dinner (which we were too full to eat due to the massive amounts of cake we ate before dinner-- Fabulous if you ask me). When we left the restaurant, I continued to have some fluid leaking, but figured I could at least take Peter home so he could have some sleep and then go into the hospital if it continued, by myself. Poor Peter had been up since 4:00 AM and then he had driven 6 hours to get home that day-- needless to say, he was shot.

However, before we could even leave the parking lot, the situation elevated enough to the point where even I was certain we needed to go right into Labor and Delivery.

PHEW... ON TO THE MAIN POINT....
Upon arriving at L&D I was diagnosed with PPROM (Preterm Premature Rupture Of Membranes-- my water broke) and admitted to the L&D floor. I had a ultrasound to check the fluid levels, which looked good last night. I've been placed on IV fluids (which will hopefully replenish some of the lost amniotic fluid) and antibiotics (to prevent infection and/or sepsis), and I have received 2 steroid shots (to help with the development of the baby's lungs).

Tomorrow I reach the magical 24 week viability point-- which is in reality only a 50% chance of viability. Nonetheless, we're thrilled we're going to make it there and we'll take all the milestones we can reach at this point. We'll meet with the NICU here at Chester County Hospital (which is run through CHOP) and we'll go for another ultrasound to check the baby's fluid levels again.

We're really not sure what the future brings at this point, so we're taking it one day at a time-- well, at least Peter is. I'm trying to plan for every possible outcome of which I can think. (Opposites attract? Sure thing).

I could deliver tomorrow, I could deliver next week, I could deliver in four weeks, I could go to term (unlikely, but possible). Until then, I will most likely remain here in this comfy cozy L&D room. For the baby's sake, we hope that means another 4 or 6 or 10 weeks. For my sake, I hope my sanity can last as long as the baby :)

So that's the update. I've opened up the blog, so it's not private anymore, because it's just a lot easier to reach everyone this way. Please feel free to pass this information on to anyone who would be interested.

Updates

2010-02-22T19:57:00.003-05:00

Just to prove that there is more going on in our lives than a pregnancy, here's a run down on our current stats:

Peter:
He's just finishing up his OB/GYN rotation in Norfolk, VA. He'll be home on Wednesday and he'll start his Psych rotation at Christiana Hospital in Delaware on Monday. He's "off" for April and May-- studying for boards (which he takes in May) and taking a few ACLS (Advanced Cardiac Life Support) classes. Apparently they want you to know how to actually "save" someone when you're a doctor. Picky, picky.

Long term, he's been planning out his "audition" rotations-- where he will rotate at hospitals he is interested in for residency. Currently, he's thinking Pediatrics as his specialty, but don't hold him to it. Since he is in the Navy, we're looking at hospitals in Bethesda, MD (near Washington, DC) Norfolk, VA (Virginia Beach) and San Diego, CA. None of which are bad options. We'll find out this December where he matches.

Me:
I'm working on my classes and hoping to have things wrapped up so that I can apply to student teach in January 2011. That would allow me finish my certification in teaching at the same time Peter graduates, making it a bit less messy. (Teacher certification req's change from state to state, so to start in PA and finish somewhere else is ugly). With the pregnancy complications, we're hoping everything works out timing wise, but ultimately we know that the baby is more important (this sounded better in my head than it does written out...), so we'll roll with whatever happens. I take my Praxis I in a few weeks and my Praxis II in July.

Caleb:
Caleb is trying really hard to figure out what in the world is happening to his family. Mom can't pick him up or do anything with him and Dad now lives in the computer (we talk on Skype). Poor kid. He's rolling with it, but we can all tell that it's taking a toll on him. I'm hoping that when Peter gets back he's able to adjust to things a little better.

Other than that, he's doing really well. He loves the snow, and walks around the house with his "gloves" on (really, two mismatched socks). Grandma is his best friend and his favorite food would definitely be meatballs (I don't even try to explain this...). He's talking up a storm and comes up with some fantastic sayings. He's decided that naps are not his thing, so he spends two hours of quiet time in his room "reading" his books and playing with his animals. So far, it's worked, but I would really love him to take naps again. I refuse to give up hope.

And that's us in a nutshell. See, we do have lives. Ok, that's a lie. But it's all we got.

If Only He Were Here...

2010-02-19T00:05:00.000-05:00

Today is Peter's 27th birthday. If he were here, I would probably slave over a cake and his favorite meal, but seeing as how he is working a 24 hour shift today at the Naval Hospital in Norfolk, VA, he's just going to miss out on my would-be culinary masterpiece.

Here's a picture to remind you of have good you have it babe. :)

Peter's birthday cake, February, 2008.

In my defense... OK, there's really no defense for this cake (I had a four week old? I'm no good at baking? See, they're all lame). But it tasted good. And it gives us something to laugh at. And it sets really low expectations. Bonus.

Happy Birthday Pete! We love you and miss you and can't wait to celebrate when you get back next week. Have fun (and get some sleep)!

Baby News

2010-02-15T15:22:00.003-05:00

Last week we had a few days where we thought my water may have broken prematurely. It happened Wednesday night, of course, right as we were completely snowed in from the storm. By Thursday afternoon, we still didn't have a chance of getting out of our driveway and Peter was getting more and more nervous, so he left from Norfolk, VA (where he is doing an away rotation in OB/GYN of all things) and drove the six hours home so that we could get over to the hospital to be checked out.

The doctors were concerned with the baby's fluid levels and so they sent us down to have a full ultrasound to make sure there was enough amniotic fluid for the baby. As the ultrasound tech was taking all the measurements, she asked us if we were going to find out the sex of the baby. Peter grinned and said, "Sure," despite the fact that we had already decided we were going to wait. :) (In his defense, he's been doing ultrasounds in Norfolk for the past few weeks and so when the tech measured the bladder he could already tell the sex... he said that I would have believed it more coming from the tech than if he had said it-- which is totally true).

We left the ultrasound knowing that the fluid levels looked good, and that in a few months, we'll be having a little bit more pink around this place.

So, there you go!

It's a girl!

Ramblings of a Hormonal, Pregnant, Mother of a Toddler

2010-02-09T12:31:00.004-05:00

Please feel free to skip.

Last night Caleb had a really hard time falling asleep. He kept asking to say prayers with Daddy and he wanted juice and he wanted to sit on the potty and he wanted and he wanted... I would get him settled and he would scream the moment I shut the door. I heard his screams for the next 20 minutes while I tried to let him cry it out. He sobbed for five minutes after I caved and came back in. He and I repeated this sequence four times in two hours.

I held him-- he was squirmy. I laid down next to him-- he was talkative. I got stern and told him he was not to get out of bed again. He ignored me.

Finally, two and a half hours after I dragged in a rocking chair and held him as I rocked him to sleep. I haven't rocked Caleb to sleep for months-- since our many excursions to CHOP.

When Caleb was in the hospital, I would rock him to sleep. He had a hard time relaxing with IV's and monitors and NG tubes and everything else in the room. His crib was like a baby prison-- he could never fall asleep in it. So I would hold him in the chair and rock him back and forth until he fell asleep-- hoping that his wires and IV's were all perfectly placed so I wouldn't disturb them when I put him down.

Holding him in that chair, watching him fall asleep took me right back. Watching him fight the sleep reminded me of watching him fight the anesthesia time after time, and test after test. Watching his eyes get heavy, his hand reach out to touch my face, to feel that I was there with him-- I felt the terror that I never let myself feel -- never even realized I was holding back-- terror that I hadn't let go of, terror that I was still carrying around.

Sitting in the darkness of his room, all I could hear were the doctor's words. "We're looking for adhesions, for weak bowel, for a tumor, for anything." I heard them discussing bowel re-sectioning and NG tubes and failure to thrive and colostomy bags. I saw a little boy in pain, with no way to ask for help, for no way to express his fears. I saw a little boy who was stronger than his mother, who comforted when he needed comfort, who loved when he need love.

Except this time, he was different. Even though I could remember those times, and the emotions felt so real, when I looked down, he wasn't the CHOP Caleb. He was the healthy, talkative, I-pick-my-nose Caleb. He was the I-love-Thomas-the-train and Wonder Pets and playing with friends Caleb. He was the no worries, I-do-it-myself, Caleb. He was my little boy. My healthy, little boy.

I haven't thought about doctors appointments or checked his stools in months. Six months ago we waited in the hospital for results from his surgery. Six months ago we knew every detail of his medical history, every hospital admission, every test, every symptom. Six months ago, I knew his every movement. These days, I have to hand a paper to his new pediatrician with all his information on it-- information that I don't know anymore.

Last night I look at him and all I saw was a tired little boy who missed his Daddy. A little boy who wanted to be rocked to sleep.

Last night, I let go of the terror.

Today, I can finally see Caleb.

Peter's Contribution to the Blog

2010-02-07T12:50:00.003-05:00

Pete is on an OB/GYN rotation in Norfolk this month at the Naval Hospital. He saw this sign up in the clinic. Now THAT is Government Healthcare :)

Snow Much Snow

2010-02-06T11:31:00.003-05:00

Caleb woke up this morning to a winter wonderland!

Can you imagine what it would be like to have snow drifts as tall as you everywhere you looked?

He's trying to help Grandpa and Grandpere (my dad was here this weekend) shovel the snow.

Preparing for the snow. And yes, those are socks. They don't make gloves for two year olds.

Last snow storm, he wasn't so sure of the sled. Today he loved it.

Because You Need More Pictures of Him

2010-02-05T09:40:00.003-05:00

These are from Caleb's birthday (Dec. 22, 2009). So they're a month and a half late, what of it?

I was just going through pictures and saw these and it reminded me of how fun this kid is :)

He's thinking about it...

He's gonna do it...

Check out those landing skills!

And yes, I was the Mom of the Year taking pictures of my child throwing himself head-first down a slide instead of stopping him. We all have our strengths, you shouldn't be jealous of my incredible parenting skills.

Whaddaya Think?

2010-01-31T18:39:00.002-05:00

I want the gender to be a surprise. Pete wants to find out. Your thoughts? Ultrasound is Feb. 15th so speak now or forever hold your peace.

Relief Fund for Haiti

2010-01-14T09:05:00.000-05:00

I know money is tight for everyone these days, but here is a link to send money for the relief in Haiti. 100% of the donation goes to food and supplies for the people there. The link is to the LDS Humanitarian Services. They already have Hygiene Kits on the ground in the Dominican Republic (same island, different country) so they are working on getting the supplies into Haiti on the ground. They also have two planes with 80,000 pounds of food and supplies each headed to the island. Sadly, we all know this is not going to be enough.

Just thought I would send this along-- it's always good to know a safe place to donate to in a time of crisis.

http://www.ldsphilanthropies.org/humanitarian-services/

My Awesome Life

2010-01-13T16:01:00.003-05:00

I have to say publicly (can I say something publicly on a private blog?) how much I appreciate my life right now. There are days when I can't seem to focus on anything but the yuckiness of this whole ordeal, but it helps a lot to see how much I really do have.

People I Couldn't Live Without:
1. Peter. Poor guy. He's done so much these past few months to keep our house and family running. Even though, I haven't been the best at showing my appreciation, he's put up with me rather graciously. Somehow the man has handled suddenly being thrown into a situation where he cleans, does all the laundry, watches after our toddler, responds to my every demand, drugs me every 8 hours, makes his own food, and oh yeah, manages being in Medical School. All while I lay helplessly on the couch demanding more things :)

2. My mother-in-law, Patti. Not only has she fed my family the past few weeks (read months), she's been so incredible with Caleb. He anxiously awaits her everyday to return home from work, and despite the fact that she's been working all day and probably only wants to sit down, she lovingly spends her evenings with him. Peter and I were talking about how hard it is going to be for Caleb when we leave here, but I think it might be just as hard for me!

3. My mom. She's always a phone call away and she is so supportive. And she keeps everyone else up to date on how I'm doing so I don't have to :) Pretty much, she just rocks.

4. Friends. I have such great friends. They keep my spirits up when I see them, and they offer to help so much. Hooray for support.

Things I Couldn't Live Without:
1. Elmo, Thomas the Train, and Super Why. How pathetic is that? Yeah, these TV shows have babysat Caleb for, uh, too long.

2. Modern Medicine. Goes without saying. I heart modern medicine. I feel so much better when I take my medicine precisely on time. The few times I have missed doses, or skipped the IV bag at night, I'm a complete mess. (Ok, let's be honest, I'm ALWAYS a mess, but I'm more of a mess when I don't take drugs).

3. The Internet. On those days when I don't shower, change out of my pajamas, brush my teeth, or THINK about leaving the house, I appreciate the connection to the outside world. These days are becoming more and more infrequent, but they exist.

There's so much more, and so many more people who have been unbelievably supportive through this pregnancy. Even though it has been physically taxing, it helps me to see how many wonderful people I have in my life.

As an update, I'm 17 weeks and the sickness is subsiding, thanks to the medicine. The past week I have felt better than ever, emotionally and physically. The doctors want to keep me on the PICC line and medicine for now, so we'll re-evaluate it at my 20 week appointment. They want me to be back up to my pre-pregnancy weight by week 20, or they will consider adding TPN to my cocktail. TPN is a nutritional supplement that is given via the PICC line. We're trying to avoid this if at all possible, because it requires weekly blood draws and a lot more intervention. So all positive weight gaining thoughts you can send our way are greatly appreciated.

Anyone still reading must be really bored, or my mother. She cares about this stuff :)

My Kid Is Better Than Your Kid

2010-01-11T13:48:00.004-05:00

Hahaha. Ha Ha... (again, we need a sarcasm font)

Anyway.

Caleb pooped in the potty today. Heck yeah. He then peed in his Thomas the Train underwear.

Win some, lose some.

Makes My Heart Go Pitter-Patter

2010-01-04T23:05:00.006-05:00

*Photo taken by Maretta Cannon of Cannon Shots Photography

Pregnancy Updates

2010-01-03T15:06:00.003-05:00

I was relatively sick with Caleb during my pregnancy. I've had three different miscarriages, and I was sick with each of those. But I have NEVER been as sick as I am this time around. The Saturday after Christmas I woke up with a mild stomach ache, and just feeling a little "off." I continued throughout the day, figuring that I had just over extended myself the day before. By that evening, I was in some considerable pain, but isn't that what happens when you are pregnant?

By Sunday morning, I was running a fever and I could barely stand the pain. Peter convinced me that this probably wasn't going to just go away and we headed into the hospital. After several tests and many more hours, I was admitted to the hospital for pre-term labor and dehydration. They were easily able to stop the contractions and for the next three days I was on continuous IV fluids and medication to keep the nausea at bay. They sent me home with a PICC line and IV Zofran. I'm so glad to be home, even if I do have to give myself four syringes of medicine every six hours. The doctors at the hospital said that even ten years ago, I would have spent most of the rest of my pregnancy in the hospital. Yuck. Caleb is pretty irritated by all of this, he routinely shouts, "Mommy all done! Mommy all better! No! No! NO!" when I am taking the medicine.

Despite the inconvience of having to wake up in the middle of the night and plan my days around medicine doses, the medicine is working well. I had lost about 25 pounds by week 15, and in a week, I've been able to gain a good amount of that back.

All in all, we know how blessed we are to have access to doctors and medical help. We're grateful for the technology and research that has allowed me to come home, instead of sit in the hospital. I'm definitely not 100%, but I'm feeling like a person and that helps a lot. We are so thankful that we have family here to help us. I don't know what I would do without my mother-in-law, she's been a HUGE lifesaver.

We'll let you know how things go, hopefully I'll be off of this PICC line soon! Thanks for all the support we've been given. We can't do this alone.