Dear Caleb

My little boy.

My first. My whole world. I've been wanting to write you a letter for awhile now, but the words just don't seem to come. How can they? What words accurately describe your world right now?

I wanted to write a letter expressing my sorrow that you have to start your relationship with Charlotte this way. This silly, nasty, drawn out way.

I wanted to write, to tell you, how proud I am of you-- how I know that children come pre-wired, because your father and I have done nothing to prepare you for this situation, and yet, there you are, handling it with grace and strength. (And the occasional two-year-old tantrum).

I'd like to write you a letter that encapsulates my complete love for you, and yet, when I sit down to write, I have nothing. The English language still does not have a word for a mother's love.

Nor can words can describe the ache I feel-- the emptiness that consumes my body when I think about how much I've missed over the past few months. You're suddenly a big boy, in relative terms, and I mourn the time I cannot have, the moments I did not see, the stories I could not hear.

And despite that pain, you fill me with joy. You are completely forgiving. You are honest. You are sincere. You are full of desire to learn, to understand, to comprehend. You are kind.

You are innocent.

You ask everyday how Baby Charlotte is doing. "Oh, she makin' all better? She come home and live with me?" You plead with me to let you go see her. I struggle with that. You want to see this baby, you want to love this child, and I am scared to let you. I'm scared that you won't understand, that you'll pull away, that you'll resent her for taking us away from you.

And you prove me wrong. You love her. As you lay your hand on her back, you rub softly and declare, "Baby Charlotte, you're so beautiful." You tell her this as if you wish she believed it as much as you do. Please remember to tell her that in a few years from now. Sisters need that from their brothers.

You love so unconditionally. So fully. You give your heart to heal others. It's your gift and you give so freely.

But there just aren't words. And so I offer this, this paltry letter, that dims in comparison to its true intent.

These are the only words I have.

And I know, that for you, it will be enough.